"putting on my big girl panties"

the last couple of weeks I have been silent here
not because I have nothing to say
but because I have been struggling to sort it out
to know what and when and how to write
I have been trying to listen to/understand my heart's cry

life has been
taxing
exciting
nerve wracking
stretching
growing
tear provoking
I have had to put on my "big girl panties" 
and tackle things I wish weren't mine to tackle

and this post is going to be "all over the place" 

scheduling the replacement of the windshield was my first "big girl panty event"
I already wrote about that,
including how while I was on the phone making the appointment
I could feel tears building and after I hung up the phone
I grabbed a pillow, hugged it tight and bawled

last spring I made a reminder note on my phone of something I had to do
and when I needed to do it
March 2019 held a big life step 
I wanted to ignore it
I tried to postpone it
I did not want acknowledge it
but I got an email from my financial advisor-
it was time 
I had to schedule an appointment I didn't want to keep

I decided to call the local Social Security Office a week early
in June I will be eligible to receive widows benefits
the woman I spoke with on February 22 was very kind and helpful
I could apply over the phone
I answered her questions
I got off the phone and I cried
I had to send in my original Marriage License 
I cried
I received it back today
I was approved 
I cried

Two weeks ago as I was leaving McDonald's at 8 AM after small group 
I was startled to remember something:
and I could feel a grin spread across my face as I thought: 
"I like mornings.
I like early mornings !"

those of you who know me well might be surprised by that tidbit of information,
especially if you know my resting and rising habits
I know I was surprised when I realized how much I've enjoyed getting up at 6:30 AM

I pondered and wondered 
"why in the world don't I go to bed before 11? "
if I did I know I would wake up before 7
and get to enjoy my favorite time of day-
early enough morning
that, if you listen quietly,
you can hear the day awaken

after a few days, 
the answer hit me like a brick in the face: 
Bill.
I don't go to bed early because of Bill.
when we first got married I went to bed at 10 PM
I was up by 6 AM,
wide awake,
well rested,
eager to take on the day

Bill liked to watch the nightly news at 11PM
he wanted me to watch with him
so I changed my sleep pattern to please him
he could lie down and be asleep in minutes, 
it takes me an hour or more and I could not get by on that small amount of sleep
and then came babies,
getting up to care for them through the night so he could sleep and get up for work
I was a stay at home mom and had more flexibility in that area
and slowly but surely, sleeping from 10PM to 6AM became history

when we moved to KY and the kids got older Bill worked some crazy hours
he made sure he was home by 6Pm for dinner
and normally stayed home for the evening,
at least until the kids went to bed
but often he was back in the office by 10PM

you might be thinking 
"perfect, you could go back to your old pattern"
and you would be wrong

I might lie down before midnight,
but until I heard the car pull into the driveway,
until I heard him come through the door,
most often between 1 and 2 AM
no matter how hard I tried, 
I could never sleep
and when all of that came together for me,
I cried-
because going to bed and getting up early is possible again

Black Friday 2013 I bought new towels and blankets-
Bill bought a brand new car
he got a great interest rate 
he set up payments that included a little extra on the principal
it was a six year loan 
the first payment was January 2014
the balance due for March was $8 and change over the scheduled payment
last week I got out the original loan paper
Bill had written the password on it
I got online and scheduled the pay-off amount,
closed my computer 
and cried
it was the last step of relying on Bill's judgment in yet another area 

As I walked into the house one day last week I had a flashback to when Bill and I were newly engaged. He had spoken to my dad before he asked me to marry him. I didn't know he had done that until after he put his ring on my finger. He told me that part of the conversation he'd had with my dad included his promise that he would always provide for me. That I would never have to worry. 
As I sat on the couch thinking about the car I had just parked in the drive, the house that has no mortgage, the money that was set aside so I can pay my bills and buy all that I need and much of what I want, all without having a full time job, I said out loud, "Bill, you kept your promise. My daddy would be proud. You did your job and you did it well and I am thankful for your diligence. We lived like very few of our friends, and now I can live like very few of them can afford to."

Change.
That is the word the Lord gave me for this year.
I can already see changes in many areas of my life.
The next big change may be one of the most difficult to implement.
Sleep training means saying goodbye to one more part of life as Bill's wife.