Today has been a day where widowhood has smacked me in the face. More than once. Tonight this warrior was weary. And teary. Not unhappy, just very, very sad. Many reminders of special moments from life with Bill and the stark changes of life without him have surfaced this week. So to escape reality and temporarily resign from being a warrior, I wasted several hours playing games online and screen shopping. (If I was at a mall I would call it window shopping, but since it was on a computer I guess it is screen shopping.) When I looked at the time, it was after midnight which is how I ended up reading what I wrote three years ago: from wife to single. At the time I either couldn't or did not want to write widow. So much of the heart of the original post hasn't changed, but it needs to be rewritten.

Today has been a day where widowhood has smacked me in the face. More than once. Tonight this warrior was weary. And teary. Not unhappy, just very, very sad. Many reminders of special moments from life with Bill and the stark changes of life without him have surfaced this week. So to escape reality and temporarily resign from being a warrior, I wasted several hours playing games online and screen shopping. (If I was at a mall I would call it window shopping, but since it was on a computer I guess it is screen shopping.) When I looked at the time, it was after midnight which is how I ended up reading what I wrote three years ago: from wife to single. At the time I either couldn't or did not want to write widow. So much of the heart of the original post hasn't changed, but it needs to be rewritten. 

Our marriage wasn't perfect. 

We were two imperfect people. 

However, our marriage was a covenant:

between us as individuals 

between us as a couple and our perfect God. 

For 13,879 days, give or take a day or two, we experienced a pretty wide range of 

• for better or worse
• for richer or poorer
• in sickness and in health

and in all of that mixture, God knit us together as only He can. 

We raised six children together.

We grieved.

We laughed.

We talked.

We prayed.

We dreamed.

We daydreamed.

We had some nightmares.

We suffered losses.

We experienced sweet joy.

We became in-laws.

We became grandparents.

We successfully married off our last child in August 2013. 

"Suddenly" we were a couple again. Technically we had been for 37 years. 

But going from parenting dependent children to having married, independent children is a huge transition. 

We went on a beach vacation by ourselves the last week of May 2014.  While we were there we planned to go back in November for another week. We spent the summer praying about our future. August began and new ways to live out "...for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health..." were presenting themselves. Bill had a new position at KCU and I was beginning new volunteer work. Adjustments, always adjustments. 

August 29, 2014 brought the end of practicing "...for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health..." and a transition I didn't want.

This week I have asked some of the same questions I asked three years ago.

Who do I turn to now? 

• With frustrations that make me angry to the point of tears which only makes me more angry? 
• When I have to make tough decisions? 
• Who do I tell my deepest fears to? 
• Where do I go to simply be held? 

I know I am not alone. I have a wonderful support system. I am thankful for everyone in it, but there are some things I could only share with Bill.

Three years ago I ended my post with this question and song. 

They remain applicable today.

What do I do with what is left of my heart?