Trusting what I cannot see

I sat in chapel this morning,
in a front row seat since the back and middle ones were full,
and glanced to my left and right
attendance was down, but still, there were people everywhere
the announcements and speaker introduction were made
as the music started a moment of anxious unrest tried to settle in 
followed by a flashback I refused to entertain

it wasn't until I was home, scrolling FB memories,
that the source of the flashback was exposed:
5 years ago today, on a Tuesday, Bill came home from work to get me for chapel
he wasn't feeling well so we stayed home
it was the beginning of the last few days I would share with him on this earth
I have been praying about Thursday, Friday and the Labor Day weekend
but I had not factored in the days leading up to Bill's death and funeral

this afternoon as I sit on the couch
in my quiet home
alone, 
but not lonely
I find myself remembering
those last few days 
and being thankful for the way so many things unfolded

this summer I have entered a different season
in the hidden places of my being
buried
sheltered
protected
unseen places
there are new things unfolding

work I do not understand
changes I can sense, 
but not pinpoint
a shift that is evident, 
but not clear
and it scares me
except for this one thing

I know the One whose hand is in it
the One who created me
the One who sees every day behind me
the One who holds every day before me
the One who has proven Himself faithful
time after time after time
and I choose to trust Him
even when I do not see 
especially when I do not understand and am tempted to shy away in fear

I wish I could say it was easy, 
that it comes naturally
but it doesn't always
often it is a battle of will
and it takes grit 
and tears 
and surrender

but it is always worth it
every
single 
time
it is worth it
because His past faithfulness and goodness 
is a solid foundation to base my current and future trust on

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, 

for He who promised is faithful." 

Hebrews 10:23

Cornerstone/Hillsong