wrestling with change

change
it is the word that was "given" to me in December for 2019
in January I wrote a post about my perspective, closing with this:

"excitedly

fearfully

hesitantly

expectantly

boldly trusting

I choose to embrace it

and sit in wonder about what 2019 holds"

today, more than 8 months later,

I wish I could write that I have been 

"excited, 

expectantly, 

boldly trusting, 

choosing to embrace change"

but to write that would be a lie

because I have found myself increasingly hesitant,

even fearful 

to take a step

or to not take one

deciding enough was enough,

I ran away from home Monday 

and drove to the beach at Lake Vesuvius in Pedro Ohio

to say it was a change from my normal beach destination would be a gross understatement

I needed some time away

to sit

to talk

to focus

to listen

to be still

before the Lord

I went prepared:

Bible

pens

markers

journals

computer

lunch

plenty of water

lawn chair

hat

bug spray

sunscreen

cash for the beach fee

I arrived confident I wanted/needed to be alone,

equally sure that when I headed home 

the emotions and feelings and thoughts that have been 

fighting like cats and dogs,

taunting me with veiled threats 

and on occasion hiding 

would have sorted themselves out, 

finally able to be expressed in words,

perhaps not beautifully,

but at least the internal pressure would be released

and I would leave with a clear mind

when I arrived I was a little disappointed to see several people there

after all, 

it was Monday

school was in session 

it was early afternoon

I was supposed to have the place to myself

so I could think

uninterrupted or distracted

and cry, 

an ugly cry if the one that has been threatening let loose-

how could I do that with strangers around me!

when a man who'd been hiking came off the trail to my left,

stopped at the faucet for a drink

and then sat to rest at a table well behind me,

the grandfather with his two granddaughters

the couple with their little boy

the mom with her two preschool daughters 

none of whom I knew or had really spoken to

and whom I had viewed as interlopers, 

though this was much more their beach than mine

suddenly became welcome companions

because I realized I am not brave enough to be at a secluded place by myself

I am thankful that Monday afternoon I set apart a time and place 

to wrestle with niggling thoughts that were blurred,

and have been incessantly buzzing in my head

because slowly,

as the smell of pine and water and sunscreen filled my nostrils,

as gentle breezes soothed the effects of the scorching heat,

as I watched children play and interact with their guardians and one another,

as I focused on an ant maneuver a flattened piece of corn,

sometimes dropping it to scout out the path ahead,

and never giving up his/her monumental undertaking

the root of my uneasiness became abundantly clear

I left disappointed I hadn't written anything

but at rest because I had a clearer understanding of what I had allowed to transpire

and some changes I need to make going forward

the "big truth" revealed:

in the midst of the diverse changes 2019 has already held, 

of the ones I anticipate

and the unknowns I am sure will surprise me

I have allowed myself to slowly fade away 

to become focused on the changes,

to be distracted by uncertainties

to be overwhelmed by "what ifs"-

afraid I might miss something I was supposed to do or say, 

I have often felt unsettled these past few months

because I lost sight of the One who gave me the word

I listened to the enemy whisperer

allowing misunderstanding and apprehension to blossom

I began to misappropriate God's intent-

the word change was given to me,

not as a warning

but as an assurance

that He will remain faithful

to guide me

to direct me

to comfort me

to strengthen me

to uphold me

to enable me

now I am able to echo and add to what I closed my post with on January 2, 

"excitedly

fearfully

hesitantly

expectantly
confidently boldly trusting the God who sees and knows me,

I choose to embrace it (change)
and sit in wonder about what (the rest of) 2019 holds"

"Go to the ant, O sluggard;
consider her ways, and be wise." 

Proverbs 6:6