thoughts on life after loss

http://www.hospiceforallseasons.org/

a sweet friend shared this with me recently
it will resonate with some and you will love it 
it will repel others and you will hate it, be offended by it
I must confess, as I read it, 
I kept thinking
it isn't one or the other, it is both
so this afternoon I rewrote it:


you can shed gut wrenching tears because they are gone, 
and you can smile, even giggle or belly laugh because they lived
sometimes all in the space of a few minutes

you can close your eyes, remembering what life was like while they were here, knowing that no amount of praying will bring them back, and grieve the difference their absence makes, all while seeing and being thankful for the good that is in your life that reminds you of them

your heart can feel empty, so broken by loss it seems nothing will ever be the same-and you would be  right, it won't be, when there is a loss, especially if it is devastating, there is no way it could be, while being full to overflowing with deep, meaningful love that suddenly has nowhere to go, because the one it is for is not here to receive it. And you may find that you hurt in ways and places you didn't know you had inside of you. Slowly, as healing takes place and some semblance of a new, different wholeness comes to your heart, you can and will find different outlets for the love and energy that was once devoted to them. 

You can turn your back on tomorrow because it is just too much to face today-and that's okay once in awhile. Some days, making it through minute by minute is more than enough to ask. You can visit yesterdays (but please don't camp there). And you can allow the goodness of the yesterdays to help you find your way through the todays and the tomorrows. And you can allow the things that were embedded into the fabric of your life, but are no longer  needed or relevant, to change. It's hard, and foreign, and uncomfortable, but it is good and it is doable.

You will never forget that "they" are gone. Your life is drastically different than what you had planned or could have ever imagined. And you may have to wrestle with with the realization that for others, life goes on pretty much the same. Sometimes you may have to fight being jealous that their life goes on per normal while yours never will be your normal again. You can cherish your memories while living your present. You can make new memories. But it takes time. And energy. It's okay that some days simply getting out of bed, getting dressed and feeding yourself is a great day. Add going anywhere or doing anything else and you are a superhero. 

You can cry. 
a lot
a little
often
rarely
trickles
torrents

You can close your mind.
as a matter of fact, sometimes you have to
so that "what if's" and their close kin don't derail your healing

You can and very likely will feel emptiness in a new way. 
for at least a little while
until the brokenness of your being,
your heart and mind and soul,
begins to bind with healing and you experience a unique wholeness, yours alone

You can and will likely sometimes feel full.
of emotions and thoughts and feelings that you cannot always identify 
or control
don't try to ignore them
or explain them away
get in a safe place and take the time you need to look at and fully experience them
to handle whatever needs to be handled so that you can go on
because as long as the Lord gives you breath,
you have a reason to live

it may take awhile to get to the point of identifying it
it may take even longer to accept it and "own" it
be patient, 
you will get there 
but it is a journey you have to take for yourself
no one else can take it for you or give it to you
and you have to accept healing as it comes,
God works in each of us differently 

one day you will find yourself smiling
or giggling
or laughing
or finding an extra little positive in something ordinary
opening your heart to new things
does not mean you are leaving the old behind
it means your heart is growing and there is room for both!
and if guilt tries to steal that happiness or joy,
tell him it isn't his to take
it is a treasured gift
and you will receive it
and you will unwrap it
and you will hold tight to it
carrying it close as you continue your journey through life