this is where the healing begins...

This year I have been praying for God to give me a healthy body, mind, emotions and spirit.
I know that I have abused my body, not giving it the proper care in all of these areas and all areas affect one another. I know that there are changes I need to make and there things only God can do to make this a reality.

I am currently in a place of introspection, of waiting and refocusing on God.

I have been a Christian for 35 years-I have read, skimmed, memorized, studied, wrestled with and tried to live in obedience to the Word of God because I am convinced it is the best way to live.
As I was wondering where to study during this part of my journey, I thought it might be time to revisit Matthew 5-7. Commonly referred to as The Sermon on the Mount, is also known as Jesus' Manifesto. I know that as His disciple I need to live as He lived and this section of Scripture is a concise compilation of His principles for living.

Yesterday I read all three chapters and thought,
yep,
this is where I need to camp out for a while.
My plan was to read all three chapters every day for at least a week.

Today I got stopped at Matthew 5:4
"Blessed are those who mourn,
for they shall be comforted."
As tears rolled down my face I was uncomfortable
and my flesh cried out  "this is not such a good idea".

Mourning has many components.
Tears are one of them.
I am not fond of that part of mourning.

Tears:
are a sign:
         of weakness
         that something is wrong- and look at all of my blessings-

make people:
           uncomfortable
           ask questions:
                    and sometimes the answers are:
                                   private, not to be shared
                                   uncomfortable
                                   there is no answer

I know that tears are a part of healing-
it is just a part that I tend to avoid.
Kind of like the small child playing peek-a-boo
who is convinced that
 "If they can't see me, I am not here"
when they cover their eyes.

If I don't let people see me cry, then the tears and brokenness are not there-
right?
And what if it becomes the "ugly cry"?
People really do not know how to deal with that.

Sunday morning at 6:00 the following words from the song "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North were running through my head when I awoke.
"This is where the healing begins...this is where the healing starts...the Light meets the dark...."
and they have been playing in my head ever since. Yesterday a friend sent me a copy of the lyrics-
and as tears fell I realized that I am in the right place- I am right where God wants me to be- that the healing of my body and mind and emotions and spirit is an ongoing process- one that is going to take me out of my comfort zone and call me into a life of more vulnerability and humility. It is going to take time- and I am excited to begin this deeper journey with the One who loved me enough to accept me as I was and loves me too much to leave me where I am.
                           
Now, will you please excuse me as I go so I can shower.
I walked this morning and I stink...
and Bill will be home for lunch soon,
and Ruth is upstairs
and I think an ugly cry may be coming on...

just kidding about the ugly cry- for now anyway :)