Alice, Goldilocks and Baby bear

I had my summer planned
times of work
times of ministry
times of rest
balanced so I could do it all and do it well

not much has gone as anticipated
I have fallen into rabbit holes like Alice in Wonderland,
I've not been where I should be
proportions of "stuff" are all out of whack
and surprises confront me at most every turn

unplanned: mom's stroke
planned: camp team training
unplanned: Aunt Pat's death
planned, just not now: preparing to speak at her memorial
planned but not yet able to do: work on my lesson for Round Lake 

KCU graduation, 2 weddings and a visit with Andrew's family were missed
in their place I was given opportunities 
to serve two very different branches of my family tree
please do not feel sorry for me,
because what I've gained is much more valuable than what I "lost"

this is part of why I have not written for 12 days
Alice was in a dream she thought was real 
I am well aware that though much of the last six weeks feels surreal,
I have been very much awake, I should be exhausted and weary
...but I am not

last night as I tried to write, the words fell flat
they just weren't coming together correctly
so I quit working
I simply sat on the porch swing
and enjoyed several late night hours of simply being

even though it was close to 1 AM I wasn't settled enough to try and sleep
so I went upstairs and sat in my glider 
for a reason I can't recall, I opened the drawer of the nightstand
what I saw there caught me by surprise, 
even though I had placed it there for safekeeping

I gently removed the necklace a dear friend bought for me after Bill died,
the one that held his ring, my wedding and my 25th anniversary ring,
feeling the need to have one one my finger,
I opened the clasp
and let the three rings slide into my open hand

for the first time since right before the funeral dinner
I am wearing my anniversary ring
my wedding ring is too small
Bill's is too large
this one is just right

putting it on it felt strange,
 comforting and grounding,
all at the same time

I still feel a little like Alice in Wonderland
wondering what is waiting around the next corner
will it appear larger than it should be?
smaller than I expect?
something I recognize or totally foreign?

today when I walked with Ruth and the kids around our city park
I found half of a bird egg and gently picked it up 
it is sitting in my kitchen windowsill as a reminder:
the shell is meant to protect the life inside, 
but only for a season 

I also feel like Baby bear from Goldilocks and the Three Bears
because I have found that no matter where I am in life,
though it may not always be familiar, palatable, easy or comfortable, 
trusting God to provide what I need so I can do what He calls me to do, 
makes things fit and work "just right"