when silence isn't quiet

Recently it has been silent in this space, but not because my life has been quiet. 

There has been so much change in the rhythm of my life since surgery. It is overwhelmingly exhausting to be busy doing "nothing"  while all around me people are scurrying to make sure that what needs to happen, happens. I've eaten a lot of humble pie as I've asked for more help in the last nine weeks than I have in that many years. It's difficult to be on the receiving end of family and friends leaving their families to take care of my needs, so I see things, not important things, not hard things, but things that are normally taken care of, undone because I am weary of watching other people do my chores. I am in a season of needing to prioritize and some things just don't make the cut of ingesting one more bite of pie.

At the same time there are a lot of changes, some positive and some not so positive, going on in the lives of people I love dearly. There are situations I've been relegated to the sidelines for. Some by choice. Some out of necessity. Some because that is where I have been asked to stand. But as an empath, I am on the ride with them, whether they have asked me to be, whether I want to be, or not.

I have felt off kilter for weeks, so rather than word vomit here, I have been praying, on repeat, "God open my eyes to see...":

what is important,

what is necessary,

what is a need,

what is a want

why am I experiencing so much uneasiness

in my mind

in my heart

in my soul

is there something I need to repent of

is there something I need to do

or not do

or do differently

or let go of

or hold onto

or begin again

I remain steadfast in seeking the face and heart of God because I know He is not surprised by anything that is going on. He is the only One with the power to make lasting life change. In me. In the world around me. He has not lost control in a life or world that seems to be spinning dangerously close to out of control.

I was dreaming Friday night, it was vivid, but I cannot remember the details. I was trying to solve a serious problem and as I moved from sleep to wakefulness I heard a gentle, calming voice whispering powerful words that held the answer to my dream state angst. Words that rang true for my wakeful state. Words that brought peace and rest to my mind, to my heart as I came fully awake. Words that have rang loud and clear and been an anchor for my soul the last two and a half days.

"you didn't cause this... you cannot fix it."

I breathed in deeply the assurance that the Spirit of God was responding to my unceasing prayers for answers. 

Like the sailors on the boat with Jonah, there are some situations where I am experiencing the consequences of other people's choices alongside them as we ride out the storm together. I've been guilty of trying to save lives by throwing things overboard but nothing was helping. In other words, I've been guilty of accepting responsibilities and shouldering burdens that aren't mine to bear. 

Also, like Paul, there are painful things in my life. No matter how often I pray for them to be removed, they remain. Why? Only God knows for sure, but I suspect they are there to keep me more fully dependent upon my Heavenly Father. His grace is more than sufficient. His power is made perfect in my weakness. 

Are there difficulties in my life I am responsible for? Absolutely. But there are also things I did not cause. There is freedom and rest in knowing the difference and I am thankful I have the Spirit of God at work in me to sort it out because I cannot do it on my own.

..."Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” ...

from 2 Corinthians 12:7-9