avoidance therapy

Xavier #13, Benjamin #12

some days I know I can't or shouldn't, 
so I don't
like today when I went to FB's "on this day" and my finger almost hit the button to send me there and I realized it was not a good idea
today is Xavier Kyle Davies' fourth birthday
I am sure there are pictures of me with him on his birth day
his first birthday
his second birthday
his third birthday
I am sad there will not be any of me beside him on his fourth birthday 
2,472 miles, more or less, separate us
what holds me back more than that though, is knowing there will likely be a picture of Bill holding X on his birth day
Xavier is our 13th grandchild
the third boy
now there are 17 grandchildren, 18 if you count the one expected in October
X was the last one Bill got to meet
so today I am practicing a little bit of avoidance therapy 
I don't have to see memories with my eyes, 
my heart is replaying them pretty clearly