sometimes I'm scared

I can cover fear with the best of them,
why do I cover it?
I'd rather cover than cower,
(most of the time)
this is just part of what I would have missed if I'd given 

I am sitting at my gate in Portland waiting to board a jet that is completely full, to head home. I have spent the last hour reflecting on this visit with Ruth's family.

This trip was a last minute decision. 

I have never done anything like this!

(I have made last minute decisions before, but not of this magnitude.)

All of the pieces that needed to come together to allow me to leave for more than two weeks fell together seamlessly. It helped, a little, but did not come close to dispelling the fears I struggled with in making the trip.

Was I making a good decision? 

(is it ever a wrong decision to go see your children?) 

Could I do this? 

(it was a flight across the country, one layover. I have made three transcontinental flights, two by myself!) 

But I am already planning to go in October for the baby, this would be so close to that time! 

(again, is it ever a wrong decision to go see your children?) But it is an overnight fight home! 

(again, transcontinental flights=overnight flights.) 

What would Bill say?

(that is an invalid question)

Can I "justify" spending the money?

(I clean toilets, empty trash, mop floors and vacuum so I can travel!)

I don't know if I can lift a carry on into the overhead bins!

(pay for a checked bag and you don't have to worry about it!)

A few nights ago we watched a movie with the kids. I hadn't seen it so I paid extra attention. One line has stuck with me. Probably because it is almost word for word one of the things I spoke aloud to the nurses who checked on me while the doctors worked on Bill before they called his death. Words I have spoken since then. 

"Just because God has a plan doesn't mean it's easy. 

words spoken by Mary in the animated movie "The Star"

Those words resonate with me.

They are truth.

They are not hard to speak out loud.

That is not the whole statement though. 

"Just because God has a plan doesn't mean it's easy. 

I'm scared."

I'm scared are words I need to learn to speak.

This is a truth I needed to be confronted with.

Pretending I am not afraid doesn't do anything but escalate the fear. 

Another layer of veneer is coming off and it scares me. 

I expect it will be a good thing in the end.