he isn't here

this was in the mailbox when I got home this afternoon 

sometimes, 
still,
it catches me off guard

I don't remember what I was thinking about this morning,
less than 12 hours ago when I was on the bus,
but I was fully planning to share it with Bill this afternoon,
to get his opinion on the thoughts rolling through my mind
as soon as I got home from the KCU women's soccer trip to Midway
"he isn't here with me, so I will have to wait until I get home"
which was quickly followed by the reality 
"he is not here"
"he will not be there when I get home"
and I shake my head 
and I wonder how?
how, after more than four years without him,
can it catch me so off guard?
why are there moments when I am sure he is coming home?
or I am going home to see him?
I know the truth
I never forget he has gone home
but sometimes I feel like he never left
that it was all just a very, very, very bad dream
I am beginning to think I always will have those moments
and I can acknowledge and embrace and experience the sadness
or I can try to ignore the pain
cover it with busyness
push it into the shadows
and allow it to slowly steal my joy and peace
eventually choking out the new life God is working in me
I pray I continue to choose to live and accept that beautiful new life
with all of the nuances that come from blending it with the past