to be honest

to be honest
I am not always completely honest
at least not "in person"
because to be honest 
is to vulnerable
is to know you may be uncomfortable
is to be aware you may cause discomfort

a few weeks ago I was in a funk
I couldn't shake it 
I prayed
I was weary
I prayed
I was hurting
I prayed
I was hedging when, in passing, people asked how I was 
"I'm okay"
"I'm hanging in there"
or I simply smiled and nodded my head and prayed

I hid behind my sunglasses at soccer practice, 
knowing if they saw my eyes 
some of my kids might guess the truth 
and I didn't want them to feel bad, 
they couldn't change anything

I asked God to help me know He was enough
I wanted to feel His comfort
I wanted to be aware of His presence
I wrestled with knowing He always provides what I need when I need it
but I was not "feeling" Him giving me what I thought I needed

I heard Him whisper
be honest
the next time one of the kids asks, 
be honest 
they need to know that you hurt, that you are not always okay
be honest
it will be good for them and for you

I spent a few more days in prayer
because, well, to be perfectly honest,
I wasn't thrilled with the directions I was given
"they are just kids
yes, I know they are young adults,
I know they care
I know they love me
but...."
"but what?..."

I finally gave up fighting
I gathered my courage 
"this is the day
this is the day I will be honest"
I prayed some more before I left the house
I formulated my answer
trying to make it short and sweet but raw and honest

I knew who would ask "how are you doing?"
the same people do every time I see them
I fully expected comforting hugs
I checked my Kleenex stash before I walked out the door,
knowing I would cry as I was held

I sat at practice
and waited for the question
and waited
the people who always ask
didn't

the first "how are you?"
came from an unexpected and unsuspecting person
they looked like a deer caught in headlights as I spoke
and when I finished my 30 second confession
they turned and walked away without saying anything
we were both speechless I guess
"this is why I am not honest-
it makes other's uncomfortable
it's just easier for everyone if I hide the hurt and frustration"

a little later I received a text from someone I don't hear from often
I didn't hold much of anything back
it was like word vomit
the proper words were exchanged
sympathy extended
prayers promised
but I didn't get my hugs
I didn't get in my cries
I felt cheated
confused
I questioned- "God why did you tell me to be honest?"

I was thinking about that day this evening
I am still wrestling with trying to understand why it went like it did
I didn't hide behind anything that day
I made myself very available 
I was actively seeking interaction
but nothing played out like I had imagined it would

why?

why was I supposed to be honest?
why didn't the "right" people ask me how I was that day?
did I miss something?

I have wrestled
I have doubted
I have judged what did and did not happen that afternoon
I have built bricks to fortify the wall of protection around my heart
I have questioned

and tonight I heard a gentle reprimand

"Just because it turned out differently than you expected does not mean it did not go as I planned. I asked you to be honest. You obeyed me that afternoon. But what about since then? Your obedience should not be influenced by the actions, reactions or lack of either by others."

properly chastised and challenged 
I realize how quick I am to excuse my sin
I acknowledge how much easier it is to hedge 
than it is to be honest
I know I do not need to spill my guts when people ask
but when I am struggling,
well maybe I need to be a little more transparent with that

here, 
where I am able to hide behind my computer screen, 
cry in private if I need to,
write and erase and edit my words,
it is easy

but face to face, 
when words are inadequate to explain what is going on 
where tears sometimes cannot be stopped
when sadness is not "reasonable"
where I might be embarrassed and you might be uncomfortable
when what is said and done cannot be retrieved, done over or erased
well that, my friends, is another story...






to be honest, 
it is something I need to work on
maybe you do too ?