STOP!

"Stop"

It couldn't have been any clearer or louder if I'd heard God audibly speak as I was going through my prayer lists. My immediate reaction was "Whoa. Hold on. Did You just tell me to stop praying? Because that doesn't sound like something You'd say."

"Stop. That is not yours to carry. You need to rest."

"Okay, Lord, I'll stop. I'll put them away." And for more than two weeks now I haven't picked them back up. Oh, I've prayed, for sure, probably more than I've prayed in a long time. But not through the pages and pages of lists. Not that they aren't important requests. Not that I won't go back to them. But for now I am very aware of the need for "in the moment, along the way" prayers. 

That morning was the beginning of what is proving to be an intense time of teaching, soul searching and uncovering of some skewed theology in my life. The first correction came much too vividly to ignore or explain away. Or to not share.

After a few days of pondering "Stop", (because it still seemed odd and out of character), I recalled one of Ruth's first comments in May when she came to stay with me after my back surgery. 

"Mom, I can't believe how much better you are already!" 

"What do you mean?" 

"When I was here at Christmas you walked bent over. You had your hand on your back all the time. Now you are standing straight up!"

I had no idea that the discomfort and pain and condition of my spine had me walking bent over. I was simply going along as best as I could. Not really looking at myself. I got a mental picture that made it clear to me that mentally, emotionally and spiritually I was in the same place I had been physically before surgery. 

Those prayer sheets-I was bringing burdens to Jesus. But unknowingly some of the ones I was carrying, rather than taking them off of my shoulders and laying them at His feet, I was keeping firmly strapped on, turning my back, not on Him, but toward Him so that He could see them clearly, and then soldiering on. Or I was laying them down only to come back and pick them up later. I needed to stop, not praying, but the way I was praying. I needed to rest.

Thinking that would help make things right, I stopped. I rested. My symptoms pointed to situational anxiety, so I added Ativan (per doctor approval). It wasn't working as it normally does. I knew it had been long enough that what I was feeling was no longer my body adjusting to not having Lyrica for nerve pain and healing so this wasn't detox and if the Ativan wasn't working, it wasn't anxiety either. Last Thursday I was at a breaking point. I needed help to look at myself because clearly something wasn't right. I made an appointment with my Primary Care Physician. 

After our initial chit chat, as is his practice, he asked "So, what's going on with you?" Through tears I told him I was tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. Every single part of my being was exhausted. I told him there's been a lot going on. He has known me a long time. He knows my family. Kindly, but matter of factly, he said, "You have a lot of kids and a lot of grandkids. There is always going to be a lot going on." But when the tears kept coming as I nodded in agreement he asked what was different. As I began to detail highlights of some of the extra stresses of the last 9 months he nodded his head in understanding. "That's a lot. Even for people with the best coping skills, that's a lot. This is beyond situational anxiety."

Diagnosis:
Situational Depression

Treatment Plan:

Prozac, lowest dose and return in three weeks

Find out how to not carry things that aren't mine to carry

Perhaps therapy or counseling 

Today marks one week of Prozac and rest. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. Recovery is going to take awhile, but healing is happening. Corrective surgery is ongoing as skewed thought patterns and reasonings are brought to light by the Holy Spirit. Writing, is therapy for me so I'll be sharing this part of my journey with you, it just took me a minute to figure out how to begin this leg of it.

Hebrews 4:9-16

"So there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God. For the one who has entered His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His. Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."