"make it go away"

from the outside looking in I have absolutely no "reason" to feel this way today,
but feel this way I do,
and it makes me angry...frustrated...
confused... embarrassed...
and bone marrow deep tired

I can feel tears puddled just inside my eyelids,
and have legitimately been holding them back 
since coach asked if I was ok at practice on this beautiful, sunny afternoon
and I answered "yes", 
because I was, 
or at least I thought I was,
until he asked and the tears popped up, ready to spill over

one thing I have learned is that deep grief doesn't "play fair"
it has its own rules, with no predictable pattern,
it doesn't concern itself with whether or not it's visit is convenient
and it is utterly irritating, 
especially when it pounces without warning

this evening there is a herd of elephants sitting on my chest 
directly over my heart
and when they tire of sitting they stand
so they can better do their stomp dance,
raising their trunks to hit me upside the head
I want to yell very loudly
"make it go away" but doing so will only make my head hurt more

when this happens I have to choose what I will do:
ignore the very real, very heavy, very weighted sadness I am feeling
get busy with something, anything, to distract myself
pretend "it's all okay, I am all okay" 
and I have done all of that, and more, back to back sometimes, 
before admitting the truth to myself
I hurt

Tonight I confess I am not okay right this minute, but I will be. This storm will pass. Today for some reason I am missing my husband and our "everyday" family life a little extra. I know part of the price of deep love is deep grief. I never want to live without loving deeply, so I will continue to learn how to live without them here with me. I will practice being mindful of eternity. I will focus on the blessings in my days. I will rejoice in the good gifts I have been given. I will remember that grief is only one part of this beautiful gift called life.

now it is time to curl up under a soft blanket and have a heart to heart with God,
time to ask for and allow Him to wrap me up in the comfort of His presence,
because it is there that I always find peace and rest and joy and healing

Revelation 21:1-4
"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”