"the tears don't hurt but the ache does" part 2

Four years ago I wrote a post that touched a friend and she shared it. Her sharing placed it on my memories feed today. I read it a few minutes ago and find that the main point is as true today as it was then, almost 6 months out from Bill's death.

"the tears don't hurt, but the ache does."

a few weeks ago a married woman I had met, but do not know,
got up real close to my face 
and asked quietly, 
almost in a whisper
"does it ever get easier?"

I was stunned

I wish I could say, 
without a doubt,
I handled it gracefully
and outwardly I think I did because she never flinched
but inwardly, not so much

in my brain I was shouting 
"SERIOUSLY?"
and in the next mental breath,
"WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS QUESTION?"
my heart was screaming 
"WHAT DO YOU THINK?"
and then
"NO! NO IT DOESN'T GET EASIER,...how could it..."
I was mentally and emotionally running out of steam

my feelings were reeling
but I answered in a quiet and calm voice that matched hers
"I don't know if it gets easier, 
you just learn how to live differently"
she nodded her head, trying to grasp what I couldn't put into words

privately I wrestle with how to answer that question
mainly because I have had people tell me, 
since not long after I became  widow,
that it would get easier with time
and either enough time has not passed 
or, sometimes I wonder, am I doing "it" wrong?
because easier is not the word I would use to describe "this"

grief

an ache unlike any other I've experienced
a gaping hole only Bill could fill 
loss that cannot be described 
sadness that comes over me like a heavy, smothering blanket
weariness that comes from the inside out and make my body feel weighted
thoughts that "he can't possibly really be gone"
countered by the reality that he is really gone
all of that is still here,
and though my grief is not as "fresh" 
not as "raw" every day as it was at first,
it is now, and always will be, part of my life

my heart still hurts
my tears still fall
gut wrenching, ugly cries still come
and guttural moanings from a place deep inside that I didn't realize existed
some times claw their way out into the open

"the tears don't hurt, but the ache does"

does it get any easier?

I can't answer that question with a yes

but I can tell you how death and grief have changed my life

I am stronger 

I lean more

I have more peace 

and more chaos

I am better at decision making

even in uncertainty

I know tears are not a sign of weakness

and I allow them to fall more freely

moments with people I love are valuable

I cherish minutes

time is different

the past, the present and the future 

I love more freely

and I hope, more lavishly

I have more joy, it is embedded deep in my being

and it is a balm to my hurting heart

taking care of myself is a priority

not out of selfishness, but out of practicality

the Love of my life is still with me,

He will never leave me or forsake me,

my comfort and my strength and my purpose come from being His,

Jesus is the perfect lover 

and my relationship with Him grows more precious every day

"the tears don't hurt, but the ache does"

and it draws me to seek God's presence

it focuses my attention on the promise of heaven