today's words of wisdom: sometimes a chip is more than a chip

a chip
that's all it was,
just a little chip 
it has been there for five years-
a rock hit the center of the windshield while Bill was driving
he told me when it happened
he told me he needed to get it fixed
so I did not concern myself with it
I knew he would take care of it, he always did

but
it was just a chip
a little bitty chip
and life had much bigger problems to tend to
so it got pushed down his "to do" list
and the days for him "to do" what was on the list ran out
before it was repaired

"a chip
a small chip
that's all it is
and it is near the bottom of the windshield
nowhere near my line of sight
it doesn't affect my ability to drive safely"
has been my thought 
when I thought about it at all
for the last four and a half years 

early on I didn't get it fixed because I simply didn't have the fortitude
then it became a matter of principle
"Bill was supposed to do that, it isn't my job"
then it was an anger issue
"Bill was supposed to do that! Why didn't he do his job?"
then it returned to being a chip
just a little chip in the windshield
and it was on my list,
but definitely not a priority

last summer though, 
when I saw it I would think
 "it's just a little chip,
it could probably be repaired,
they wouldn't have to replace the windshield"
but I didn't call the insurance company
and I didn't think about it when I stopped in to pay my premium

two weeks ago I was in Cincinnati with Beth
it was arctic cold here in Grayson and colder there
that Thursday was the Monday-est Thursday on record
it began before we ever walked out the door of her home
and built all day long
that afternoon my car was more accessible to drive than her van was
and to make life easier 
I told her to take my car when she headed to the ER to be with Mike
I wanted to do what I could do to chip away at the "overwhelmingness"

when they walked in the house late that night she was shaking her head
"Mom, your windshield is cracked.
All the way across.
I heard a noise and wondered,
what in the world? 
it sounded like rain, but then we saw it start.
And grow, and grow and grow while I drove.
I am so sorry.
This truly has been the Monday-est Thursday ever."

Quickly I assured her it wasn't her fault.
I told her about the chip.
About how long it had been there.
About how the cold made it happen.
About the reasons I didn't have it taken care of.
I told her my insurance will cover it.
It helped her gain some calmness.

Last week I stopped into the insurance agency.
The secretary assured me I would hear by the next day.
I didn't, but it has been rainy and cold.
And it was just a thin crack radiating from a small chip,
well under my line of vision.
No big deal.
I did not have the motivation to check back until today.
This afternoon I received a call from an unknown number.
I only answered it because I remembered the windshield.

I was not prepared.
At all.
I did not have my policy number.
I did not have the VIN number.
I didn't have Bill here to answer the questions.
I also did not have Kleenex.
I had no reason to suspect I would need them.
I could feel it building while I was on the phone.
That little chip caused a big ugly cry.

I think I am going to give up trying to understand why
and just own it as part of the the grieving process 
another thing that simply has no explanation,
something else I could not have anticipated, it just is.
And the windshield will be replaced tomorrow.
No more chip.
No more crack.
No more reminder of Bill when I am behind the wheel.
Maybe I just figured out the fuel for the tears...