it's not a competition

"IT'S NOT A COMPETITION!"

Those are the words I wanted to speak loudly to an acquaintance recently. She is the friend of a friend. My friend, whose husband is thankfully still living,

was getting nowhere trying to empathize with the woman whose one year anniversary of becoming a widow is soon. Thinking it might help to let her know I was a fellow widow I quietly told her that Bill died unexpectedly 3 years and three months from the the first year anniversary of her husband's death. Both of our losses were sudden, coming out of nowhere to blindside us. I thought we had some common ground. Her immediate defensive, and to be honest, offensive response to my sharing my loss included "We had 21 years together... Did you pull an engine with your husband? Because I did with _________"  The list of things they had done together continued.

What I said instead when she stopped to take a breath was "No, my husband did not do those kinds of things." I also added we shared 38 years together. Not as competition, but to inform her that I understood that sharing life with someone for years and then not having them here is hard.

My friend inserted things Bill and I had done together and explained that no two relationships are alike, each couple has their own "things" and that some people are not blessed enough to have the amount time we'd been blessed to share with our husbands.

The acquaintance could not grasp that there are other people in the world who hurt. She seems to think she has some kind of patent on it. My heart aches for her and her son.

I don't know where you are in life or who you most identify with in the above situation. Ideally it would be none of us. But our world is not ideal. So I say to you boldly but kindly: "Grief is not a competition. There are no "winners". Pain is pain. Deep pain hurts for a long time. Instead of comparing, or trying to "one up" someone, please show kindness. Gentleness. Patience. Love." 

Grief is hard enough to maneuver without those kinds of games being played.