the power of being included
I spent a good part of the end of last week moping. More gray days than bright blue sky ones, cold weather and knowing I was getting sick didn't help. I was frustrated, not at any one particular thing or event, just with life in general. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was tired. Over thinking things. Not a good combination. At the end of a text rant/venting session with a friend Friday night I wrote: "I just want to be pampered. There, I said it." I felt guilty and ashamed, because I know how blessed I am. Yet there was also a measure of relief. I had finally identified part of the frustration.
Saturday evening I had committed to going to a Christmas Open House with Ron and Anita at the home of friends they went to college with. We were leaving mid afternoon. I got my chores done (work before play) and began to feel anxious, uncomfortable and almost bailed at the last minute. I wasn't going to use "I have to wash my hair" as an excuse, but the one I considered using was almost as lame. I half dragged myself to their car when they stopped to pick me up. My motivation for not chickening out was I had RSVP'd and I am a woman of my word. So I made sure I had plenty of cough drops and Kleenex and locked my house up when they pulled into the drive.
We stopped to get gas before we left Grayson. I went in to to buy a Coke and saw Grape Crush. I had a flashback to my childhood. Simpler days. My heart grinned a little, so I bought it. "Maybe this won't be so bad after all." But as soon as I got back in the car I could feel tension begin to build.
We stopped to pick up Debra on our way to the Open House. I have met her, but I wouldn't say we know enough about each other to be considered friends. As we were leaving her house she handed me a gift bag. Inside was this beautiful ornament:
My heart smiled.
Real Big.
Here it was,
the fulfillment of my longing,
I was being pampered.
It should have been enough to carry me through the rest of the evening.
But it wasn't.
When we arrived at the Open House I discovered this wasn't like the last gathering I went to at Kim and David's. That one was all KCC Alumni. At least we had that in common. This was her big Christmas Open House. Neighbors. Family. Work associates. Lots of people I didn't know.
Meeting new people and making small talk is difficult for me. My anxiety skyrocketed. Within 20 minutes I found a safe place to hide out without being a recluse, in the kitchen. It's where several other KCC people ended up gathering and throughout the evening I began to relax. I ate too much, but I surprised myself and had a good time.
It was getting late and Ron headed out to start the car. Kim stopped him and handed him a gift bag. As Anita and I walked toward the door she handed Anita one. I thanked her for inviting me and began to walk past her. She stopped me. Gave me a hug, told me she was glad I came and handed me a gift bag. We are not close. I was not expecting that.
Her kindness, on top of Debra's almost brought on the ugly cry.
It wasn't the physical gifts, it was something much larger.
I didn't "belong" to their circle, but they made me part of it.
Kim and Debra were used by God to fulfill my desire to be pampered.
Some day, sooner rather than later I hope, I will learn to not limit Him.
Saturday evening I had committed to going to a Christmas Open House with Ron and Anita at the home of friends they went to college with. We were leaving mid afternoon. I got my chores done (work before play) and began to feel anxious, uncomfortable and almost bailed at the last minute. I wasn't going to use "I have to wash my hair" as an excuse, but the one I considered using was almost as lame. I half dragged myself to their car when they stopped to pick me up. My motivation for not chickening out was I had RSVP'd and I am a woman of my word. So I made sure I had plenty of cough drops and Kleenex and locked my house up when they pulled into the drive.
We stopped to get gas before we left Grayson. I went in to to buy a Coke and saw Grape Crush. I had a flashback to my childhood. Simpler days. My heart grinned a little, so I bought it. "Maybe this won't be so bad after all." But as soon as I got back in the car I could feel tension begin to build.
We stopped to pick up Debra on our way to the Open House. I have met her, but I wouldn't say we know enough about each other to be considered friends. As we were leaving her house she handed me a gift bag. Inside was this beautiful ornament:
My heart smiled.
Real Big.
Here it was,
the fulfillment of my longing,
I was being pampered.
It should have been enough to carry me through the rest of the evening.
But it wasn't.
When we arrived at the Open House I discovered this wasn't like the last gathering I went to at Kim and David's. That one was all KCC Alumni. At least we had that in common. This was her big Christmas Open House. Neighbors. Family. Work associates. Lots of people I didn't know.
Meeting new people and making small talk is difficult for me. My anxiety skyrocketed. Within 20 minutes I found a safe place to hide out without being a recluse, in the kitchen. It's where several other KCC people ended up gathering and throughout the evening I began to relax. I ate too much, but I surprised myself and had a good time.
It was getting late and Ron headed out to start the car. Kim stopped him and handed him a gift bag. As Anita and I walked toward the door she handed Anita one. I thanked her for inviting me and began to walk past her. She stopped me. Gave me a hug, told me she was glad I came and handed me a gift bag. We are not close. I was not expecting that.
Her kindness, on top of Debra's almost brought on the ugly cry.
It wasn't the physical gifts, it was something much larger.
I didn't "belong" to their circle, but they made me part of it.
Kim and Debra were used by God to fulfill my desire to be pampered.
Some day, sooner rather than later I hope, I will learn to not limit Him.
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