he is here...

he is here,
in the Ohio State zip up hanging on the bar stool
the one that was his 
the one I am afraid to use too often-
I don't want to wear it out, 
because he wore it 
and there is no replacing that

he is here,
in the memories that accompany our Christmas village.
when I started buying them I only bought churches,
thinking that the buildings may look different 
but the same light shines in all of them.
Bill wanted an assortment of houses and buildings,
so that's what we have now

he is here,
in the fruit basket I found on the porch bench when I went out today,
left by a local group he was an active part of
in the ham that was dropped off yesterday
in the Christmas cards I received from his grandmother's kin this week
in the plans I've made for Christmas this year
in the gifts I have given in his honor

he is here,
when I get a picture from one my children
of a grandchild that has their pants pulled all the way up to their armpits
or one of them asks how Sam is doing
or I hear him bark,
letting anyone who is in the alley know this is his domain
(Sam is doing okay for anyone wondering)

he is here 
in the dvd's and vhs tapes that line the playroom shelves
the ones I have been going through the past few days,
sorting and weeding out ones I won't watch again
knowing there are some in that category I will keep 
because they were his
because I'm not ready to definitively not complete a series we started

he is here 
in this house that we made a home
the one I still enjoy living in 
without having to worry about getting a job outside of it
because he worked hard and planned well
the one our children and grandchildren can come back to
the one I don't plan to move from until the Lord makes it clear I should

he is here 
when I look at our children
when I think about how proud he would be of their families
when I get to see and do things he would have enjoyed
when grandbabies are born and his name is part of theirs

he is here in so many other ways, 
but I know he isn't, not really, and I know he won't be again
and while I am glad he is with Jesus...
tonight my heart misses him 
and my eyes are leaking
and I wish he was here with me, 
talking about our family Christmas plans to make more memories
drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows
watching It's a Wonderful Life or White Christmas


you know, 
as much as it hurts,
it really is a wonderous thing 
to have lived a life worth missing 
and to leave a life remembering