doing nothing, together

when you know, you know
and late this afternoon I knew:
I needed to spend the evening NOT home alone

I called a friend
"What are you doing tonight?"
"Nothing"
"Can I come out and do nothing with you?"
she laughed,
I laughed,
she replied
"Yes!"
I asked her to let me know when she was heading home and I would follow
"I am leaving here at 4:30"
"I'll see you in a bit then."
I hung up
looked at the clock
4:25, I'd have to hurry

I scurried outside to make sure the dogs had food and water
took the trash cans to the curb
came in to check on my computer for a message from Deborah
and burst into tears
my thoughts were spiraling downward a million miles a minute

"How pathetic was that phone call?
I can't believe I called and asked her that.
I should be stronger.
I should be able to be home alone.
I probably sounded desperate.
I am embarrassed.
I can't go out there.
These tears keep falling and I can't make them stop."
the Liar kept whispering such things,
getting louder with each sentence I held onto

I began playing a computer game,
trying to distract myself,
trying to drown out the pity 
trying to downplay the sadness 
trying to ignore what I knew to be lies but felt like truth

45 minutes after the call
I should already be there
BUT I was second guessing the plan I'd made
I was ready to call and renege
I decided I was going to stay home
alone
it would be better than being humiliated by (I am not sure what)

but I know these friends
they WOULD come looking for me if I did not show up
and I didn't think I had the courage to call and cancel
Pep talk time:
I was being "silly" 
of course they wanted me to come and spend the evening
she did not say "yes" out of pity 

I closed my computer
grabbed something to drink and the watermelon I'd told her I'd bring 
and went out to the car
tears kept escaping,
it didn't matter how hard I tried to hold them in

the minute I opened their door
Anita had her phone in her hand, ready to call me
Ron said he was ready to come looking for me
a flood started 
and between the tears I tried to explain the battle I'd just fought
it was a futile attempt
I didn't even make sense to myself

they let me know it was okay to not be okay

he grilled hot dogs 
she added dill pickle potato chips and cubed watermelon to the table
what a feast it was

afterward we spent a wonderful few hours sitting on their porch
talking
watching birds 
martins
a woodpecker
hummers
and deer
enjoying the storm and the sound of rain on the the tin roof
watched lightening flash
and night darkness fall gently around around us
frogs and crickets serenaded 

what a beautiful thing it is to do nothing with people you love

this is the view from their kitchen window
there is a woodpecker on the phone wire
you can't see him, but I know he is there

as I typed that explaination it reminded me of God's presence
I may not see Him,
but I know He is here
and knowing Him, knowing He is always near,
enables me to see and hold onto things that aren't visible