"it gets better with time" *

I keep waiting for that time,
the one spoken of by kind people 
intending to encourage those who are hurting

"It gets better with time" *

part of me wants to ask 
"what do you mean by that?"
because I am not there yet if it means it won't hurt anymore

today my head aches
with vise like pressure that no meds are going to fix
my eyes burn
like when we went to the beach and salt was thick in the air
my ears throb
from the deafening sound of an empty house
my emotions are shredded
from a holiday weekend and goodbyes spoken a few hours ago
my body is heavy
my energy is depleted

my heart hurts deeply;
when God knit Bill and I together, He did a very good job
when God gave me children, He gave me the best ones

it struck me hard this afternoon
"it" being mourning the life I once lived
one that I am thankful I was privileged to have 
and after the girls pulled away from my house heading to theirs,
I said out loud,
to myself,
"it's okay to be sad"
and stumbled my way to the couch with a full box of Kleenex,
crying
praying
sobbing
allowing myself to acknowledge and fully experience the pain
while challenging myself to focus on not staying there

my soul-
well, my soul is well
and my body and mind and emotions are heading that way

* There are things that have gotten better with time.
My ability to recognize grief and mourning is honed.
My willingness to allow myself to be sad is more liberal.
I am less likely to feel guilty or weak when these times hit.
The frequency is less, but the intensity is not and I know that is okay.
There is nothing wrong with me.
I simply love deeply.
Feel deeply.
And I'd rather love and feel deeply than be calloused or empty.