mourning first, celebrating next

grief is a journey, 
not an event 
and my understanding of how it works, 
in my life at least,
continues to grow

today is Bill's birthdate
and last night I mourned, 
deep sobbing, loud snotting, groaning, lots of kleenex needed, mourning

I wanted to be making him a cake
I wanted to be wrapping his birthday gift
I wanted to know I had picked out just the right card
I wanted to know that today we would be celebrating his 64th birthday
and the knowing that none of that was happening was brutal

after the emotional storm of mourning what I didn't have abated
a calm, peace, joy feeding line of thought began to take root:
I may not be able to celebrate his birthday 
but I can celebrate his birth date
and be thankful for the beauty I have because he shared his life with me

our children: Elizabeth (Michael), Sarah (Kourtney), Deborah (David), Jonathan (Jessica), Andrew (Breanna), Ruth (Kyle)

our grandchildren: Hannah, Chloe, Cristian, Addyston, Noell, Kaelyn, Korah, Willow, Abigail, Selah, Gabriel, Moriah, Adelaide, Benjamin, Abram, Xavier, Mia Rose, Avery

Bill's family

family I have because of our association with 
KCU
Oak Grove Church of Christ 
Northwest Church of Christ
Round Lake Christian Assembly

the people added because our children live away from Grayson

today the list of my blessings is endless
but it never would have been started 
if I had not allowed myself to mourn his death 
and my thoughts had not been turned toward celebrating his life
I am beyond thankful for the life I have because of William Scott Bondurant

5/23/14
Laguna Beach, Florida