"just follow your heart" is not great advice

You are probably tired of my poison ivy. Frankly, so am I. Especially since I have calamine lotion on both arms, both legs, and on patches of rash in several other places. It isn't helping much. Neither does the Benadryl gel or several other things I've tried. I keep being reminded of Job scraping his skin with shards of pottery. It makes perfect sense to me now. I think, at this point, time is my best hope for relief.

I had new patches break out last night and I gave up the fight of trying to ignore it, got up at 4AM to shower, put clean sheets on the bed and pulled all the clothing that I wore at Sarah's (which she washed) out of my dresser and closet to rewash (because I was concerned there might still be oil on them since the new spots broke out on my legs and yesterday I had on a pair of shorts I wore while I worked at her house.)

As I was doing all of that I knew I had more lessons to learn. 

Today I have been reminded of how important it is to not leave your brain behind when your heart is pulling you toward making a decision or choosing an action. 

My brain warned me and reminded me of ways to be careful.

My heart urged me to rush ahead.

I listened to my heart.

There is another, much more serious area of my life that my heart is strongly pulling me toward, even though my head says "um, not a good idea". But I keep forging ahead, following my heart. Flirting on the edge of danger. Ignoring all caution signs. Ending up with irritated, bothersome and tender places in my mind and emotions. 

I even prayed about the situation and I received a clear answer from God. " No."

But that isn't the answer I wanted so I kept going back to Him, pushing my agenda, coming up with reasons for why what I was wanting and feeling is okay, making excuses for feeding my craving, justifying my disobedience. 

I've been knowingly dancing on the edge of sin. Ouch, that hurts to admit.

Finally a couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, I heard a "Go ahead if you want to." 

And that stopped me in my tracks. 

Why? All I could see was Balaam, an Old Testament prophet who went to God with a request and was told no, multiple times. Finally God said "go ahead" but He was angry that Balaam had not listened to Him the first several times. I stopped because I didn't want my story to be Balaam's story. (Numbers 22).

I think this poison ivy is my donkey.  

I wrote a note today that I felt a nudge not to write, I sealed it. I prepared to address the envelope. My poison ivy rash began itching intensely. It got my attention like Balaam's donkey got his attention. My eyes were opened clearly to what my heart was doing and I threw the note away. I felt a sense of relief and peace that has been lacking in my life. It hurts to not follow my heart. I am wrestling feelings and truth. My heart is deceitful. I think time is my best hope for relief and healing.

takeaway: 

Don't allow your heart, your emotions, to drive your decisions. Don't leave your heart out of decisions, by any means, but don't leave your brain behind either. If you have to choose between doing what you KNOW is right and what you FEEL is right, go with what you know is right.