are you good or bad?

it's hard to see unless you look close-

there's a rainbow in that dark sky

a reminder that God keeps His promises 

and for His children,

one day there will be no more bad

no more pain,

no more sorrow,

no more suffering

one day there will be only good

Friday I wrestled with this post into Saturday's early morning

I have friends who are grieving losses

I have friends who are recovering from surgery

I have friends who are facing unknowns

and I have been thinking about a question that often gets asked at times like these:

"How are you doing?"

and the most common response I've heard (and given) is: 

"I'm okay" or "I'm good" 

even when I am not, even when it is obvious they are not

why do we lie or gloss over or hide the truth?

because judgement can be fierce 

and to be honest can be costly

after Bill died I was vague in my answers to most people

because I learned it was easier to say "I"m okay" or "I'm good"

than it was to guess what answer they would accept without  judgment

or a lecture

or a "pep talk"

or a platitude 

or well intended but worthless advice

I learned it was less stressful to cry in private

because if people see you cry a lot "you aren't doing very good"

and if there is a public ugly cry, 

well if that happens you are doing really, really bad

let's make it safe to cry 

I learned to let a few tears fall where others could see them

because if people don't see you cry "you aren't doing very good"

spoiler alert: no one knows how many tears are shed in private

no one knows how many tears are "enough"

let's make it socially acceptable to be tearless, especially in public

let's normalize responses that aren't "normal"

let's practice listening, simply listening, without needing to "fix it"

let's agree to not compare pain, but rather, acknowledge that all pain hurts

let's make it okay to say "I'm not okay today"

or "I'm really sad"

or "there's an elephant sitting on my chest"

or "I just want to hide"

or "I'm so angry"

or "why?"

or "I don't understand"

or "I'm tired, weary to my bones"

or "I want to run away"

or "I could scream"

or "I miss..."

or "I'd rather not talk about it"

or "I'm having a hard time"

or "I feel guilty for..."

or "this is a good moment"

or "I got ambushed today"

or "I'm scared"

or any number of other things that are real but uncomfortable to hear,

because when someone is hurting,

they shouldn't have to be concerned with comforting you

and while I'm on my soapbox:

let's not judge other people by what we think we would do if we were them

why?

we aren't them

they aren't us

God created us as unique individuals

and no two people, 

not even twins, 

have the same life experiences

and our relationships, 

even shared ones, 

are colored by our individuality

so let's allow each one of us to be ourselves