"So, how are you 18 months out"

So, how are you? 
I got that question again yesterday 
from someone I know cares or they would not have asked.

What I don't know,
based upon a reflection of our conversation,
is if they asked the right question for what they really wanted to know.

My short answer was: 
"I am doing okay.
I am still broken, but I think, overall, I am doing okay."

As I sit here today and evaluate how I am
I think I really am doing okay.
I have not turned into a recluse.
I am still getting out of bed.
Every. Single. Day.
I am still showering.
I have not lost weight.
I have not gained weight.
I go out to eat with friends occasionally.
I attend chapel at KCU twice a week.
I gather with part of the family of believers at Oak Grove Sunday mornings.
I see my family when I can.
I travel when I need/want to.
I am still actively involved in the lives of my soccer family.
I am now working with the camp teams ministry.
I meet with a small group of ladies for Bible study once a week.

I still hurt.
Sometimes it is nominal, and facing the day and people is easy.
Sometimes, like this past week, it is difficult. But I still do it.

I still cry.
Sometimes it is simply tears streaming in rivulets down my cheeks. 
Sometimes it is a gut wrenching, loud, ugly cry.

I still know God loves me.
I know He is working an eternal plan.
I know He sees, He knows, He cares, He provides.

I think.
I write.
I pray.
I read.
I study.
I learn.
I teach.
I share.
I play.
I risk.
I love.
I hurt.
I embrace.
I release.
not necessarily in that order

My friend talked to me for a long time.
Mentioned that he and others may think they know what I need,
but I am the only one who truly does know.

I understand his intent,
the unspoken permission to ask when I need something,
but the assumption, in my case anyway, is faulty.

It is true that sometimes I can name exactly what I think I need,
but it is also true I cannot ask because I do not know who to ask
and other times I have absolutely no clue what I need.

So what do I do? I throw myself at the feet of the Father.
"Lord, this is what I want. What I think I need right now.
I trust you to provide what I need, when I need it." And He does. Every time.

So, how am I?

I am changed, I will never be the "old" me.

And I think, overall, I am doing okay.

This song is special because of the message.

It is special because I can see Bill's face when he came into the house saying, "You have to come out to the car and listen to this incredible new song."