aching to be held

Today was a grab bag of events and emotions.

Imagine watching popcorn pop and you have a visual picture.

As I finished cleaning the church building this evening I took a few minutes to sit at the table in the room where Bill taught Sunday School. The white board still has the word Prayer in the upper left hand corner where he wrote it. As I read what he had written I acknowledged my loneliness today and the overwhelming desire to be simply held tight in someones arms and hear the words spoken over me "it's going to be okay". I miss that. Tears fell. I prayed:

"Father, right now I simply ache to be held. To be wrapped up in someones arms.  I am feeling lonely. And weary. And weak. So here I am. I am running to You and asking You to please, please, please, just hold me."

After a few minutes the tears stopped. I stood, quickly looked for a book to bring home to read, picked up my jacket, purse and the Dasani bottle I had crushed after emptying it, turned off the library/conference room light, walked up the stairs, turned off the foyer lights, walked outside, made sure the doors were locked, picked up the garbage bags, walked to the dumpster and put them in it, went to car and started the engine.

I rarely have the radio on. I prefer to travel in silence. But today it was on. And the song that was just beginning to play was a whisper from God.

"...earth has no sorrow that Heaven can't heal..."

Tears fell afresh as I heard God speak:

"I see you. I hear you. I love you. It is going to be okay."

The next song began. Tears came harder beginning with the very first words.

"To everyone who's lost someone they love 

Long before it was their time

You feel like the days you had were not enough

When you said goodbye...

When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus"

I heard God speak louder:

"You have come to the right place... "

"...To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes...
call out to Jesus..."

"I am here....I've got you girl."

Those two songs took up 90% of the time it took for me to arrive home. The next song was one I had not heard. I sat in the car and listened to all of it...

"...I am a mess and so are you...

So bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine...

if we're honest..."

I walked into the house,

with my brokenness glaring,

right into Ruth's embrace.

When she asked me what was wrong 

I was honest.

I replied;

"I am lonely. 

How can you be lonely when you are surrounded by people?

Sometimes I just need to be held."

I am not asking for volunteers to hold me, God has that covered.

I am writing because I know I am not alone in this. I have had friends express this same desire/need to me in the past. Back when I was married. I gave them the advice I followed myself today. "Pray. Trust God to provide what you need when you need it."  What I did not know when I gave it was how hard it was to actually do. I am sorry if I was ever flippant with you. It is hard work.