accepting the heaviness
some days are just plain heavy
today is one of them
my chest, my heart, my limbs feel heavy
my head and my emotions feel weighted
today,
for some reason I cannot identify,
it seems, more than usual,
like he should be here,
that there is no way he is really gone
and that any minute now he is going to walk in the door
and ask us how the yard sale went,
who came, (we have some regulars)
be amazed at the total
and wonder how we got it all cleaned up and put away
before he got here to help
he would want to order pizza so none of us girls had to cook
and any dishes that were dirtied,
he would wash
the only antidote I know for this heaviness is
today is one of them
my chest, my heart, my limbs feel heavy
my head and my emotions feel weighted
today,
for some reason I cannot identify,
it seems, more than usual,
like he should be here,
that there is no way he is really gone
and that any minute now he is going to walk in the door
and ask us how the yard sale went,
who came, (we have some regulars)
be amazed at the total
and wonder how we got it all cleaned up and put away
before he got here to help
he would want to order pizza so none of us girls had to cook
and any dishes that were dirtied,
he would wash
the only antidote I know for this heaviness is
- to accept that it is part of this journey
- to let the tears fall
- to embrace the sadness
- to acknowledge it, not ignore or deny it is real
- to not feel guilty that I "still" have these days
- to not be frustrated with myself
- to know it is okay to miss him, even though he is in a much better place
- to thank God Bill was a believer and he is home
- to look at who I have in my life and focus on them rather than on who and what I lost when he died
some days are just plain heavy
so far my survival rate of them is 100%
so I am certain I will make it through today
and if I don't?
well that means my journey here is done and I am home too!
until that day
I will continue to use the heaviness to strengthen my faith
I am one month into my grieving and there are days that I think things should be getting better but they just feel so much worse. The heaviness I felt the first time I had to say I was a widow! I am only 56 years old, how can I possibly be a widow??? Things happen and my first thought is I have to tell Chuck about this, only to remember I can't do that anymore. Even tho we had some problems, he was ALWAYS there no matter what I needed. I am so thankful for my Lord, my family and my friends who are here to help me thru the tough days. And I am thankful for you that you are sharing your journey so that I can get strength to carry on. God bless you!!!!
ReplyDeleteI pray for you every day. For me, knowing others are praying for me and knowing I am not alone on this journey I did not ask to begin is enough to help me take the next breath, the next step. Keep on sister-
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