INDEPENDENT-who, me?

I am just a little independent.

(I can hear my children coughing dramatically as they read that-

they might omit the word little.)

I think it comes from being the firstborn: 

• child in the home I grew up in
• grandchild on my dad's side
• Christian in my family

I think it comes from being encouraged as a child:

• to look out for the others
• to be responsible
• to try new things-if it doesn't work, try a different approach

I think it grew: 

• as I learned what it meant to be the protector
• as I experienced defeats and victories
• as I experienced disappointment from unfulfilled promises

I think it continues:

• because of pride
• because it is part of the fabric of who I am
• because sometimes I just want to get stuff done

The last few years have placed me in situations or circumstances that have robbed me of my independence.  To places where I had to accept and acknowledge that I cannot "do it all" and I cannot "be all for all". 

because of the level of independence ingrained in me I fought

• against depression
• against feelings of helplessness 
• against discouragement 
• against feeling like I was a bother
• against guilt

I am gradually learning that I do not always have to be

• independent 
• the care giver 
• the investor 
• the doer
• in charge

As I give up my self governing independence, as I lean more fully on God, I am learning to live a balanced independent dependence. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 

and do not lean on your own understanding. 

In all your ways acknowledge Him, 

and He will make straight your paths."

Proverbs 3:5-6