sadness' place
Some days I feel sad, physically. Not just mentally. Not just emotionally. All over. Monday was one of those days. I was not unhappy, depressed or discouraged. I smiled, I laughed, I carried on conversations and had great visits with friends. But sadness sat in my gut like bad sausage and gravy.
Jonathan is replacing the roof on his house this week. Jess had a busy evening so I volunteered to take them and the people helping spaghetti for dinner. Since I have no business climbing a ladder to work on a roof it was a way I could contribute. As I drove the Industrial Parkway I was enjoying the scenery, looking for trees sporting the first changing colors of fall. Suddenly I found myself transported back to a hospital room on the fourth floor with my right leg propped, an ice bag on my knee, ten days post meniscus surgery. I could smell and hear those things unique to a hospital. It was like I was in a conversational pause, waiting for the next comment... My heart began to ache, my chest began clenching, slowly but surely squeezing what felt like all of the air out of my lungs. But it wasn't all of the air because I was still able to think, to tell myself to take slow, deep breaths and focus on what is real, not on what I was feeling, because I knew what came next in the conversation;
"I am sorry..."
I wanted to scream,
"STOP IT!"
"NO!"
"WHY NOW?"
then my heart whispered, "I don't want to do this again, I am tired..."
I cannot identify a trigger. It isn't Friday. It isn't the 29th. There is nothing to cause this rerun of my last day with Bill. As it unfolded to the end I wanted it to be a bad nightmare that I would wake up from.
I wish it was not real.
But wanting and wishing cannot change this reality.
I know I am not alone in the "I wish it was different" club.
While I waited for Jess and Addi to get home from dance class and for the guys to be done working I sat in a chair in their front yard. One of their kitties sensed what was going on, he kept climbing up on my shoulder and purring in my ear. That and the visit with Jonathan, Jess, Addi, Jeff and Chad was good medicine for my heart.
Sadness lingers as I write this post, but I am okay with that. It has it's place in my life. I refuse to ignore it or pretend it does not exist. I don't like when it rises up like a gigantic monster rather than being the quiet companion I have accepted, but sadness does not dominate me. I give myself permission to feel it fully and to cry when I need to. I have to or I will lose my mind.
Simply put, sadness is not the boss of me.
Oh, don't get me wrong, it tries to be, but I refuse to hand over the reins.
I have way too much life to enjoy and living to do.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3&4
"Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Jonathan is replacing the roof on his house this week. Jess had a busy evening so I volunteered to take them and the people helping spaghetti for dinner. Since I have no business climbing a ladder to work on a roof it was a way I could contribute. As I drove the Industrial Parkway I was enjoying the scenery, looking for trees sporting the first changing colors of fall. Suddenly I found myself transported back to a hospital room on the fourth floor with my right leg propped, an ice bag on my knee, ten days post meniscus surgery. I could smell and hear those things unique to a hospital. It was like I was in a conversational pause, waiting for the next comment... My heart began to ache, my chest began clenching, slowly but surely squeezing what felt like all of the air out of my lungs. But it wasn't all of the air because I was still able to think, to tell myself to take slow, deep breaths and focus on what is real, not on what I was feeling, because I knew what came next in the conversation;
"I am sorry..."
I wanted to scream,
"STOP IT!"
"NO!"
"WHY NOW?"
then my heart whispered, "I don't want to do this again, I am tired..."
I cannot identify a trigger. It isn't Friday. It isn't the 29th. There is nothing to cause this rerun of my last day with Bill. As it unfolded to the end I wanted it to be a bad nightmare that I would wake up from.
I wish it was not real.
But wanting and wishing cannot change this reality.
I know I am not alone in the "I wish it was different" club.
While I waited for Jess and Addi to get home from dance class and for the guys to be done working I sat in a chair in their front yard. One of their kitties sensed what was going on, he kept climbing up on my shoulder and purring in my ear. That and the visit with Jonathan, Jess, Addi, Jeff and Chad was good medicine for my heart.
Sadness lingers as I write this post, but I am okay with that. It has it's place in my life. I refuse to ignore it or pretend it does not exist. I don't like when it rises up like a gigantic monster rather than being the quiet companion I have accepted, but sadness does not dominate me. I give myself permission to feel it fully and to cry when I need to. I have to or I will lose my mind.
Simply put, sadness is not the boss of me.
Oh, don't get me wrong, it tries to be, but I refuse to hand over the reins.
I have way too much life to enjoy and living to do.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3&4
"Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
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