the whisperer

I heard the whispers again yesterday:
"I can't believe you are enjoying this. It's like you are glad he is not here. You should be ashamed of yourself. Because you know if he was here you wouldn't be doing it like you have been. "
The battle was on.
"doing it" was living this different life being a widow has thrust me into.
I was headed to Cincinnati, driving my car so I could see Addy on her 6th birthday and go to the KCU men's soccer game afterward.
The day before, Tuesday, I had gone to Bluefield, VA with the girls team.
Saturday I had gone with the guys to Jeffersonville, IND.
I like to travel.
I like to be with and support those I love.
This freedom is new.
I haven't always been able to pick up and go.
Wife. 
Mother. 
Those were my first priorities and they kept me home.
Most of the time I was glad to be there, though sometimes I wished I could escape for some time alone to focus and refresh.
I had to fight the whispers then too.
"I can't believe you are upset about not being able to leave. You should be thankful you have a husband and children to take care of. Some women long for what you have and here you are taking them for granted, wanting to get away from them..."
And when I was away these whispers would start:
"I can't believe you are enjoying this time away from the precious gift of your family..."
Or
"You wanted this time away from your family, I can't believe you are missing them! You don't know what you want. Just make up your mind!"

Sometimes I get weary from the battle of pushing back lies that try to shame me.