even when it hurts

this isn't a very flattering picture, but it is priceless
it is the last one I have of Bill and I together
it was taken at our last family reunion June 14, 2014

even when it hurts that he is gone 
I would not wish him back from where he is now 
and today is one of those days when it has hurt, 
deeply
like it did at first,
when the wound of two no longer being one was fresh and raw

the ache in my chest has been so real, 
I am tempted to look and see if a knife has been thrust there

my feet and legs have been so heavy, 
every step feels like sixteen inch concrete blocks must be tied to them

my spirit is weary,
as a battle rages for my peace of mind and the wellness of my soul

my head pounds from holding in tears 
my eyes burn from crying tears
my nose is stuffy and yet running from those same tears

I miss the presence of my husband
I miss Bill's smile
I miss holding hands
I miss his voice
I miss being held
I miss hearing him pray for me
I miss almost everything about him

I cling, 
every single day,
to God's promise that He will provide everything I need
while battling demons that shout otherwise 
and today they have had been using megaphones

all day and evening I have wrestled the enemy,
seeking to find my rest in the presence of my Savior
knowing it is there I will find continued comfort and healing



once again,
He has proven Himself faithful
and one day, 
when I grow up, 
I will be as uninhibited as this little girl when I sing His praises