the answer to Why?

This is why I keep writing.
Being transparent and almost brutally honest, especially on particularly hard days. Obediently sharing my struggles when it would be much easier and less embarrassing to keep silent and anonymous.

I woke up to two messages after my sharing my blog post yesterday.
I asked for and received permission from both friends to share our "conversation" as part of my post today.

number one was a comment on the blog site delivered via e-mail:

"Me too Donnette. Had a great weekend for the 50th (church anniversary celebration) here at Northwest and sad that Carole was not here to experience it. She was head of the planning committee. But, I told my boys a little while ago that what would have had her beaming from ear to ear was seeing her son lead worship in the church she loved so much. My tears started. Love her so much."

my reply:
It is hard to face things we know they would enjoy-I have to keep reminding myself that no matter how wonderful or beautiful anything is here there is absolutely no comparison to what he (Bill) is experiencing in heaven. I hurt for myself. I miss being able to share special things with him here. I also am looking forward to one day leaving here to go and share in the wonder he is experiencing now. 

message two was a private FB message:
Feeling lost and wondering if I will ever be me again , I have been comparing this to glass shattering , Just a plain mess . I felt your sadness today as I read your latest . Many prayers to you.

my reply:
It is hard to figure out who "I" am. For me it is because when God knits two people together and He calls one home and leaves the other...well, I will never be the same again. SO I am working to figure out things like-what do I like to do? What do I want to eat? What do I need to get done today. What do I want to get done today? I guess when you spend as many years with one person as we did, and yours was several years more, feeling lost makes sense. It's like part of the structure/safety net/ comfort/ security in my life has been torn away. I keep seeking and finding what I need in Jesus. But that does not take away the pain and the missing.

The first message, highlighted in blue, is from a dear friend I've known since high school. His wife went to be with Jesus a little over a month ago.

The second, highlighted in pink, is from a dear friend I have yet to meet. She became a member of the sisterhood of widows days before I did.

Regardless if you are on your own journey or walking alongside someone travelling the grief path, be aware that every person's experience is different. There is no "one size fits all" nor is there an "easy fix".

following are some general reminders for all of us

for those who are hurting, especially to those walking the road of grief:
you are not alone
there is no set timeline for mourning or for grief
whether it has been
a day
a week
a month
a year
several years
even decades
periods of overwhelming pain and tears are normal (so is numbness)
and dare I say it?
allowing tears to fall, especially those that are gut wrenching, is healthy

am I saying that is place you should stay?
hear this clearly: NO!
what I am saying is there is nothing wrong with allowing tears, groans and guttural moans to escape the confines of your broken, shattered heart
why?
because grief is like an onion-it has lots of layers and the stronger it is, the more likely it is to make you cry
because while tears are uncomfortable, they are not fatal
because your love doesn't stop just because the other person is not here to receive it and it is brutally painful to be filled with something so strong that has no outlet
because ________ (you fill in the blank)

don't dwell in the past, life will never be that way again
it is only natural to visit there, but living there is impossible
you can find existence, but not life if you choose to dwell there

don't feed the despair of the present,
if you allow healing to happen you won't always feel this way
it may ambush you at times, but it won't linger if you don't feed it

do press on toward learning how to live the life you now have
accept that your life will change because part of you is missing
know that your life is a precious gift, please don't squander it


it is important to understand there is a difference between mourning and grief
mourning: the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died
grief: deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death

did you catch the difference? 
mourning is the expression of the sorrow that accompanies grief and it is something those who are grieving often do not feel free to do for various reasons, below are a few:
embarrassment
fear of being judged or misunderstood or shunned
fear that if the tears start they will never end
wanting to "be" or "stay" strong
not wanting to "bring others down" or make them uncomfortable

mourning comes and goes
but grief-that deep sorrow, is not something that "goes away"
you learn how to live with it or you struggle to ignore it

for me, grief is one the darker threads that has been woven into the tapestry of my life-and because of its presence joy, peace, rest and all things beautiful in my life shine all the brighter because of the contrast it provides