oh, rats...

it's been a minute (or two) 
since I shared this visual that a friend shared with me early on
slowly, 
but surely, 
the knots began to get untangled
the craziness evened out
there was some slack in the rope
the intensity lessened
the wound began to heal, 
from the inside out,
still tender, 
extremely so at times,
but not so freshly raw

lately I find myself again relating more to the graph
thankful for the representation 
and the knowledge that what I am feeling makes sense
I am not crazy
I am living in the aftermath of extreme loss

Maybe the season I am in is contributing

lots of people and travel the last 53 days
a quick overnight trip to Ohio for a funeral
3 days with family here for the KCU Flagpole Dedication Ceremony
18 days in Vancouver WA for a new grandbaby 
3 days in Russell Springs KY for a Gala
3 days in Cincinnati OH and Anderson IN family, football
4 days in Michigan for NCCAA Soccer Regional Tournament
7 days in South Carolina for NCCAA Soccer National Tournament
with packing, unpacking, laundry and repacking interspersed
oh, and add soccer games, including Senior night
and the need to take care of my business at home

then there are the holidays
Halloween (I went Trick or Treating for the first time in 36 years)
Thanksgiving is this week
(kids in driving distance are coming home for the first time in years-
since a few years before Bill died.)
Christmas and New Years is fast on it's heels
a dear friend is entering his first holiday season as a widower
oh, and let's not forget the rat evidence I found for the first time in my life-
it was in my shed
I bought rat bait and put it out before I went to Vancouver
when I got back some was missing
the next time I was home I thought I smelled a dead rat in the building
and today I had a another first-
as I was scooping dog poop piles I found a dead rat 
so I added it to the other crap in the bag I was holding

I was so done with cleaning up messes
so tired of death and stinky stuff in life
that when I came in the house after finishing that chore
the dam broke
tears fell
sobs erupted
I thought about that graphic and realized it was time to share it again

dear friends,
if you are grieving, find a way to express it
be patient with yourself
if you love someone who is grieving,
be patient with them
pray for them
send a note, a message, a text or a card telling them you care
invite them to join you
ask if you can join them at their home
find a way to let them grieve their way
don't judge
don't scold
don't think you know exactly what they are feeling-
definitely don't tell them you know exactly how they feel
sometimes we don't even know ourselves how we feel
grief doesn't always make sense
if has no set timeline
it knows no boundaries
it is normal
confusing
but normal

Grief:
I wish I could scoop it up and dispose of it for good like I did the messes in my backyard this evening. For now, it has eased again, the knots don't feel as tight and I can breathe easy. I am thankful for times of release and rest and as weird as it might sound, I am thankful for the "strangling" times too. I don't like them, but I am thankful for them because God meets me there, in all of the pain and the ugliness and the confusion and the anger and He offers comfort. Deep, soul satisfying comfort and rest and peace that can only come from Him.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4