it's not comfortable

Embracing grief, rather than ignoring it or minimizing it, learning how to continue living rather than being content with mere existence has not, nor is it presently, something I am comfortable with. It does not come easy. It is not something I want to do. It is something I have to do. It is a choice. Daily. Sometimes moment by moment. It is a struggle. Actually, it is a battle. It isn't something you go looking to engage, but sometimes, you have no choice.

It can feel like hugging a porcupine, all quills out.

Sometimes it feels like walking with cement or lead filled legs.

It can be like walking through a thick briar patch wearing shorts and a t shirt,

but you want those raspberries or blackberries, so you do it.

It can feel like a knife has been plunged into my chest,

or like an elephant or mammoth is content sitting there, crushing me.

Sometimes breaths are shallow because there isn't enough air to take full one.

Sometimes they are so deep I don't know when I'll be able to exhale.

It can be like grabbing for a rose without taking care to avoid the thorns.

Sometimes it feels like I am walking in a deep fog, it is surreal.

Sometimes it feels like a dream or a lie; this life can't be my life.

I have wondered how I can cry so many tears and not drown.

I have wondered what I have to do to be able to release the dam of tears.

I have wondered how I can be dry eyed.

I don't do it 

(embrace grief)

because I am brave

or strong

or noble

I do it because I firmly believe life is a gift and grief is part of my life.

I do it because I am a fighter.

I do it because I have never been one to "settle".

Make do or make adjustments, yes, but not give in or give up.

I do it because my children and grandchildren are watching.

I do it because this day, the present,

is a gift I have received from the Lord Almighty

and I dare not squander what He has entrusted to me

so I wake up

I get out of bed

I shower (most mornings)

I get dressed

and depending on my energy level,

I do what I have to do-

sometimes willingly, with a cheerful spirit

sometimes reluctantly, dragging or kicking my feet

and now there are even days I can do what I want to do

there are moments of pain

there are moments of sadness

there are moments of happiness

there are signs of growth and change

there is exquisite beauty in my life

Even when I am alone, I am not.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of that truth,

because occasionally my feelings are running out of control.

I know I am loved by God

and on the darkest days or nights, His presence shines brighter than normal.

In my loneliness, He is my companion.

In the middle of each storm, He gives me peace I don't understand.

Right alongside my sorrow, He is my joy.

In battle, He is my champion.

This is not comfortable. 

It is not something I would have chosen for myself or anyone else,

but it is fully living and I'll take this over existence every day of the week.