it's mine!

Thanksgiving 2018 has come and gone.
Nothing spectacular or earth shattering happened here-
at least not anything those who don't "know" would see.

All of the kids who live in driving distance came home.
It was our first Thanksgiving here, in Grayson, without Bill.
We made it through the day with a few tears and lots of laughter.

Friday I pulled out the Christmas items I used last year. It would be unwise to not take full advantage of the free labor around me. My kids wanted to know what the large red bag was. None of them had seen a tree storage bag in use.

We set the tree up.
By we, I mean Andrew, Sarah and Beth did.
I was busy being brave, retrieving "our ornaments" from the attic.

The idea to use them flitted through my mind early yesterday afternoon. I seized it, mulled it over and decided it was time to use them for the first time since 2013. I wanted to surprise the kids, and I wasn't sure I wouldn't chicken out or change my mind at the last minute, so that is why they were busy with the tree while I was in the attic. Rummaging.

I looked where the shoe box full of memories should be. 
It wasn't there. 
I looked where it might be.
Still didn't see it.
So I repeated those steps.
I was confused and almost gave up the search.
I went through the tote it should have been in one last time.
I found them, at the bottom, in a different colored box than I remembered, covered by my baby quilt.

When I came downstairs the girls saw what I had and smiled at one another.
Andrew was still working.
I couldn't figure out why it was taking him so long-
it is a simple pencil style artificial tree.
I put it up by myself last year and he's a whole lot stronger than I am.
Then I looked closely.

The adorable slight tilt that endeared it to me in 2014,
that let me know it was perfect for me because it was not perfect,
has noticeably, dangerously increased.

To my children's great credit, they did not give up.
They know how much that tree has meant to me the last four Christmas'.
They wanted it to be right.
They were probably a little afraid to tell me it wouldn't work.
A thought flitted through my mind.
I quickly dismissed it.
I couldn't follow through with it.
I didn't want to follow through with it.

They wiggled it, turned it, took it out of the stand and tried again to seat it.
I tried.
Nothing worked.
The thought returned.
I held onto it this time as I went to sit on the couch.
After a few minutes I quietly said,
"There is a new tree in the attic we can use."

It was quiet for a moment.
"Are you sure mom?"
"Yes."

Andrew was already in the attic by this point,
going through his boxes of memories.
He lowered the tree to the girls and they carried it downstairs.
They set it up.
As they worked, I sat. 
Tears threatening.
Because Thanksgiving.
Because a new tree.
Because this new tree was one Bill and I bought together...
and in a flash of insight I remembered something.
Something important.

Bill and I made the decision to switch from a cut tree to artificial right after Christmas one year. I watched the sales and we were able to pick out a $200+ tree for less than $50. When it was time to replace it, we did the same thing. 

But this tree, 
the one Beth and Sarah were setting up-
this was a tree I had picked out on my own in 2013. 
It wasn't "big enough" for Bill. 
I couldn't return it, so I stored it in the attic and we looked until we found one we could agree on. I passed that tree on to Sarah in 2014 because I couldn't put up "Bill's" new tree.
This one though,
this one was all mine.

The new ornaments I bought last year-
they are all still in their boxes,
I couldn't use them this year.

The old ornaments I couldn't use the last four Christmas',
the grandkids filled my new tree with them.
The first time they have done that.
As they held certain ones, I was able to tell them
"that belonged to grandpa Bill."
"someone gave that to grandpa and I for our first Christmas."
The looks on their faces was priceless.

Here's to new and old continuing to be knit together in a beautiful way.