self talk, self care

3:00 PM Saturday. At first I thought it was just because I'd said goodbye to my kids and grandkids. The pounding in my head. An upset stomach. Weariness. Those are not unusual for a few hours after they leave as my emotions settle down. I tried to busy myself with little tasks to take my mind off of being here alone. Loads of bedding. Tidying. A run to the bathroom and body aches made me take my temperature. It was slightly elevated, and the "worries" started-

"What if I am sick."
"What if this is the flu."
"What if I gave something to the kids or grandkids?"
"What if this keeps me from church in the morning?"
"What if this is the same thing that kept me in bed for three days?"
"What if...."

"Worrying is not going to change anything so just stop!"

"Lord, please, ..."

More busy work. Another temperature check. A little higher. I lost all motivation to distract myself with physical activity and sat on the couch to check emails, facebook, etc. I waited impatiently for the Crossroads service to go live online at 6:30. Andrew was preaching. It was a good service, but I could feel my energy waning as I simply sat and watched. By 8:00 Saturday evening, after several more bathroom runs, I  gave up all pretense that this had anything to do with the departure of my family. I was "freezing" and laid down on the couch and covered myself with not one, but two blankets. I dozed on and off. Wished I was lying in bed, but felt too tired to climb the stairs. Wondered how long this illness would last. Thought about how different I would feel if Bill was here to take care of me. At 10:30 PM I headed upstairs, my 500 count jar of ibuprofen, osteo-bi-flex and a bottle of water in hand. If I couldn't make it downstairs Sunday morning I wanted to have the necessities with me. I slept until 9:00 Am and was pleased to find that my temperature was down. I rolled over to rest for another minute and woke up at 11. 

I spent the day doing a whole lot of things I have nothing to show for. 
Resting.
Wishing.
Missing.
Reading.
Piddling.
Remembering the past. 
Thinking about the future.
Choosing to trust.
Wrestling with "why".
Looking at what I have.
Giving my body food and rest to help it heal.
Reigning in thoughts of what I wish I had. 
Trying to not be distracted by what I thought I'd have.
Focusing on believing that God is always faithful.
Not allowing discontent to take root.

11:00 PM Sunday, and thankfully I am fever free.
Days like yesterday and today are utterly exhausting.
I feel the need to give myself a lecture/pep talk:

• Rest properly.
• Exercise daily.
• Feed your whole self with healthy choices.
• Be patient, kind and gentle with yourself. 
• Listen to your mind, your heart and your Spirit.

Experience tells me it's necessary, but much easier said than done.