this is me 133/366

sometimes, for no particular reason 
I get overwhelmed-
with emotions that are nearly impossible to identify,
thoughts that run like a hamster on a wheel,
and a feeling of being surrounded, hemmed in too tightly
(how that is possible in a 2200 sq ft house, by myself, I can't reconcile)
a little before 8 this evening that perfect storm came together

I wanted to run
literally
but multiple pregnancies adversely affected my bladder
and hard use has weakened my back and knees
so I settled for a walk that alternated between brisk and meandering
45 minutes later I was sitting on my back porch swing
tears dripping

I am "better" now
but I sure wish I could figure out: 
why I feel embarrassed about crying 
especially since no one would know unless I told them
when this will happen again
how I can either head it off or anticipate it
what brings it on

maybe just accepting it will happen
rather than fighting it and trying to plan how to avoid it
would be a better use of my energy
because I have an idea that "it" has to do with loving big and caring much
and I refuse to give those two things up
they are woven into almost every fiber of my being
and without them I would not be me