Master of Disguise 178/366

we all play the game,
some are naturally better at it
some are simply more experienced
some play fully cognisant, with a well constructed plan
some play because it has been ingrained from birth

yesterday I wrote about leftover dog food
but not because I was eager to share the thought green bits triggered
rather, I was driven by my commitment to write and post daily this year
it was almost midnight
I was desperate 
and unaware 
or unwilling to acknowledge
what had been simmering all day (back to that in a minute)

you don't think you're a player?

What happens when you are in an intense moment of fellowship (otherwise known as an argument) and the phone rings with a call you have to take. Do you answer with the tone you were using in the conversation that was interrupted or does your voice take on a professional, perhaps even detached tone, a warm enough to melt butter quality or one sweet enough to send a diabetic into a coma? I am not suggesting that we should blast unsuspecting people, just that we naturally disguise ourselves, at least occasionally. 

Church goers- when WWIII happens at your house or in the vehicle on your way to worship, what is your posture when you pile out and head in? What is your response when someone greets you with "Hey! How are you today?"  Does your answer change when it is someone you know, love and trust-or do you continue the charade, because to be honest would cast you and your family in a "bad" light. What would happen if you owned up and honestly replied "It's been a rough start...I hope it gets better from here." Or "We are struggling today-would you pray with me to know how to organise so we can be better prepared to get out the door on time?" 

What about... 
you fill in the last scenario where you pulled off an academy award worthy performance.

Yesterday morning when I wrote June 25, 2020 in my journal my mind immediately went to thoughts of Bill. I could hear him excitedly, loudly proclaim only six more months until Christmas. He might have even played some Mannheim Steamroller to celebrate. But rather than think through those thoughts and process the emotions accompanying them, I "hid" them away. But they were not hidden enough that I didn't listen for his voice and expect to see him come into the room at some point. I know that isn't going to happen ever again. But my heart still longs for him.

I have learned to practice living one day, one situation, one moment at a time. I even wrote in my prayer journal this morning how thankful I am that I do not know what lies ahead. I couldn't handle it. It is enough to know that God knows and I trust that He will faithfully continue to provide what I need when I need it. I have grown enough that most of the time when you ask me how I am, I will be honest. The difficulty lies in the fact that it can change, often without warning or reason and then I feel like a fraud.  I experience a wide range of emotions on any given day-from pure joy and happiness to sadness, infrequently abject sorrow. Contentment and peace are my constant companions. Honestly, I am alive, enjoying life and even difficult times are worth living. Knowing I am not alone, even when I feel alone brings balance and courage. 

I am torn with assigning an honest title today
master of deception might be more accurate
but master of disguise is far more palatable

I am not advocating "word vomit". I am encouraging, even challenging each one of us, especially myself, to stop, evaluate and process how we "do" relationships. Am I a "safe person" that others can be honest, vulnerable and transparent with or do I encourage disguise by my reactions? Am I taking thoughtful inventory of where I am emotionally, mentally, spiritually and confiding in my own safe people? Maybe these are the steps that determine whether it is a harmless disguise or a damaging deception.