when ice and grief storms hit at the same time

grief is no joke

there are days, even after 7+ years, that it still hits me like a mack truck-

a big, monster one with a double trailer, that ran over me...

and then backed up to make sure the job was done thoroughly

this is one of those days I miss Bill,

clear down to the marrow in my bones

partly because of what he did-

many things I didn't realize I was taking for granted

but mostly I miss his presence

today is Selah's birthday

one of the pictures Deborah posted awakened tears

a second picture and explaination pulled out an ugly cry

"Her spelling list this week were all "birthday" words. Yesterday she had to write sentences with those words, and one of her sentences was, "I won't get my birthday wish this year."

I, of course, asked what her wish was, and why it wouldn't come true. She started crying, and through tears said "Because my wish is that Grandpa could be here for my birthday." 

She loves him so much, I'm so thankful for the memories she has with him. (This night he was teaching her how to throw the ball against the wall so it could come back to her, so that she would always have something to play even if everyone else was busy)."

I am so thankful for memories too,

and I'd never want him to leave heaven,

but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish for more time and more memories

ps. I am okay, really I am. God has showered me with love, and continues to provide what I need when I need it. But this week I've been dealing with a lot of things I've never dealt with without Bill being by my side. God has provided other people to step in,  but I miss the familiar, the comfortable, the "constant".

A special thank you to Garrett today.

When I went to bed at 4am we were forecast to get 1/10 to 1/4 inch of ice and maybe an inch of snow. Garrett called at 11:50 am to check on how my back is and to ask if I needed anything. "Nope, I'm set." Do you have wood? "Yep, I had a friend deliver some." Do you have some in the house? "No, I don't think I'll need any."  

I thought he was being over the top protective. I assured him I was fine. He said if I needed anything to call. He'd driven in worse weather and he'd make it in to me if I needed him. I remember the weather he and Tiffany travelled in last February when 3 ice storms in a row hit our community. I looked at the weather. The forecast had changed. We are expecting 1/4 to 3/4 of an inch of ice and 3 inches of snow on top of that. I wouldn't mind calling him to drive on 1/10 of an inch of ice, but 3/4? No way. 

I called him back. He brought me a case of water and carried wood to my porch, in the cold, pouring rain so I didn't need to. He checked my mailbox so I wouldn't have to go out. Before he left he reaffirmed that if I need anything at all, he is only a phone call away. I know there are others I can call on too. But today, God used Garrett like He used Bill to make sure I was aware of the hazardous weather coming and that I have everything I need to be safe and comfortable.