faith over f........

Yesterday was a whirlwind of thoughts, information, decisions, emotions and activity. My appointment with my neurosurgeon was at 9:30. We discussed all the options. Surgery was the final choice. Date was set and I had all of the preop stuff done before I left the hospital. What I planned to be 30 minutes or so at St. Mary's turned into 3 hours. The afternoon was filled with updating friends and family, my vast support system, with the information I'd received. Two scenarios were my reality. One would be a 6 week recovery, the other would require 12 weeks.

Today has been a rollercoaster.

First thing this morning the doctor's office called. I need the more extensive surgery. The girl I was talking to has probably never had anyone tell her "Thank you! That's great news." I could say that because this has already been prayed over by me and an army of friends and family. There was one other test I needed to have before surgery. She would call me back after she got it scheduled.

About an hour later my phone rang again. "I'm sorry, I have bad news." 
Immediately I thought, "oh no, I can't get the scan early enough, surgery will be moved."

And I got part of it right. It does need to be moved. To another doctor. Another hospital. When she called to schedule my DEXA scan she discovered that neither my neurosurgeon nor the hospital he works out of is in my insurance network. I assured her it was okay. That God already knew. That it would work out.

I hung up the phone, in shock.

I thought we had already cleared those muddied waters when the appointment was made and I was assured they did take my insurance. When I signed in for my appointment the deductible I was quoted and paid was correct. The accuser started shooting  fiery darts of doubt, second guessing and self blame.

After the dust settled I realized some valuable truths.

• I trust this doctor's opinion. I will be able to get a second opinion without asking for one and running the risk of offending anyone.
• I found out before, not after surgery.
• My primary care physician can order the scan I need so I can take those results with me, along with all the other needed information.

But all of that did not erase the fears, the feelings and the frustrations.

I needed some time alone with Jesus. Outside time is optimal for me. Thankfully it is near 60 and sunny in my little corner of the world this afternoon. So I made myself some nachos with taco meat and cheese, grabbed a grapefruit seltzer water and have been sitting on my back porch swing, enjoying the breeze, the windchimes, the sun on my back as I choose faith-

over my fears

over my feelings

over my frustrations.

God has this. 

He knows. 

He sees. 

He cares. 

I choose to trust Him.

Again, God knew this was going to happen.  And I know Him well enough, from past experience, to know that I can hold onto my faith in the face of my fear. In the face of my feelings. In the face of my frustrations. And sooner or later, my faith will dispel the fear, the feelings and the frustration. They may have my attention, but I will not allow them to be my focus.