reading, writing and arithmetic

since childhood reading has been a big part of my life
it was unusual to not have a book close
Bill would be busy working in the evenings and I would read
rarely do I sit down to read now
and for a long time it puzzled me-
why was this one constant, enjoyable, harmless thing not part of my life?
was I avoiding it because it made me think of Bill?
was it because focusing on anything was difficult for awhile?
was it because most of what I read was historical fiction/romance?

I finally figured it out-the time I spent reading I now spend writing

writing is therapy
it began to be part of my life in high school
it was a safe way to explore and express thoughts
when I got married and had kids writing was put on hold
it requires concentration and for me is best done uninterrupted
since Bill's death it has been a part of my (almost) everyday life
811 blog posts in 821 days

what takes you a few minutes to read may take me several hours to write
word choice
word placement
spacing
clip art or music or Scripture
editing
title 
each element is important 

writing helps me process 

• the tumbling thoughts that make my head hurt sometimes
• the emotions that sometimes play hide and seek in my mind
• possible reasons I feel sad, or mad, or confused or downright angry

writing helps me focus

• on the countless reasons I have to be thankful
• on the peace and joy that co-exist with my grief 
• on what remains in my life rather than getting distracted by what is missing

I wonder why people read what I write. Google and Blogger have tools that tell me they do. Since Bill died I have written 811 posts, which have more than 583,000 views in 115 different countries. There are a lot of people reading these words. That is why each post, each word is important. Most are not consistent readers which is part of why I am painstakingly careful when I write. What if they only read one post. What if that one post is their only glimpse of life lived in Christ? I long to get it right, to make sure people see Jesus in the way I live and write, in times of joy and in times of sorrow and all the days in between. So I write. I read what I wrote. I re-read. I edit countless times. Adding and subtracting. Because if reading what I write makes a difference in one life, I want it be a plus, not a minus.