steps and change

Bill was in my dream the other night
I had come to a decision about something
and he was there with a smile of approval
my heart was happy and encouraged that he was pleased
the contentment was so real that when I woke up I was confused

I am doing some major home maintenance 
I am guessing that fed the dream
I am making decisions based on what I like (mostly)
but I do find myself sometimes stopping randomly and considering... 
"will Bill like this?"
and then catch myself
he is not here
he does not have a care in the world about this project
so why does my mind keep going back to his opinions/preferences?

I have been wrestling with that question 
and today I was reminded of the answer
we shared 39 years together
"and the two shall become one flesh..."
38 of those years we were married

in that time we learned 
how to love one another 
how to be kind to one another
how to be considerate of one another
how to be mindful of one another's preferences
over the years some of that became second nature
it is woven into the fabric of my thought processes
so it is only natural that when I am making huge decisions I would default to:
"what will Bill think of this?"

while it is no longer a valid question
(like I said, he isn't thinking about anything here on this earth)
it is a logical one
I am not losing my mind
(I keep telling myself that)

if my preference contradicts what Bill would have chosen
and I decide to go with what I want
not what I know he would have picked,
that is okay
I am not making a mistake
I am not disrespecting him
I am not disappointing him
I have nothing to feel guilty about
(I keep telling myself those things too)

so, hardwood floors and new baseboards-check
new paint almost everywhere-check
new living room furniture-check
some work in bathrooms-check
now I wait on the estimate to see how big the checks will need to be 😅