history, heartbreak & healing on Thanksgiving

This was Christmas 1996 at mom and dad Bondurant's
I cannot find any Thanksgiving pictures
which is a shame because mom always had pretty tables
this does give you an idea of part of the people we shared holidays with
and that is the most important thing

today was different

It began with me driving AWAY from Sarah and her family who I went to visit for Willow's birthday, to drive three hours home alone to make it to Thanksgiving dinner on time. When we moved to KY from Ohio the kids were little. Thanksgiving morning Bill and I would load them up and leave home early to drive five hours hours TOWARD family, hoping to make it on time to share Thanksgiving Dinner with our extended kin. It has ALWAYS been a day we spend with family. When Deborah started playing High School basketball her schedule stopped our trips to Ohio for holidays. As one by one the six married*, the gathering of family at our house got smaller and smaller.

*As the children married it worked out that they spend Thanksgiving with their in-laws and we get them for Christmas and sometimes New Year's Eve. 

today was wonderful

The roads were not busy. I stopped and filled the car with gas 30 minutes from Sarah's and bought a 20 oz. Pepsi for $1.25 from a vending machine. The three quarters I received as change made me smile. Two were "state" quarters. Bill collected those. The third was a bicentennial quarter which I collect. I began collecting them when they first came out, before Bill and I were a couple. We began dating in August 1976. They are even more special to me now. As I drove I reminisced about Thanksgivings past. Such good memories.

today was stretching

Because my six children would be with their in-laws and because I did not want to travel to join them, my plan for weeks has been for me to eat Thanksgiving dinner in Grayson with friends that have become family. The kids were good with that arrangement. 2013 was the first Thanksgiving Bill and I did not spend with our parents, siblings, extended family or our children. It also was our last Thanksgiving together. We shared that meal with these friends. We planned to spend the afternoon with them. I received a phone call, before we had a chance to enjoy our pie, that called us away. Nancy and Karen wrapped pie to go for us. I knew if I had to leave early today they would not need an explanation. I was too full of food for dessert today so they wrapped pie and pumpkin roll for me to bring home. It was a great day.

today was an opportunity to grow relationships

Early this week I received an invitation to join a different group at 6. I didn't know if I would go. As darkness set in at 5:30 I was still stuffed, but I knew I did not want to be alone on Thanksgiving evening. So I went to supper with people I have not spent a lot of time with. We laughed, we smiled, we shared memories, some that included Bill. I enjoyed it. 

Tonight, at about 8:15, today became heartbreak 

It hit me. For the first time in my 57 years I was not with blood family on Thanksgiving. For the first time in 40 years I was not with Bill or someone who shared his DNA. That hurt. So I cried. The ugly cry. Did some writing. Cried hard again. This is part of my thoughts: 

"Oh how I miss him. So much. This hurts. A lot. And that is okay... I am okay... This is hard, being alone on a holiday evening. I am thankful for the friends I have shared today with, but it is really weird to not be with family tonight... I feel guilty for not feeling only thankfulness. But I am thankful!... I hurt for loved ones who are facing this holiday without a loved one for the first time. Or the second, or third, or more. And I give myself permission to cry as long and as loud and as deeply and as often as I need to. Because when I am done, I will feel better. But I have to let myself feel this completely. I have to let myself mourn. I am growing. I am healing. This is all part of it." 

Tonight, 11ish, after a phone visit with mom Bondurant, which included sharing tears, memories, prayer requests, encouraging words and updates on the family, and after more writing, I am at peace. I am thankful for today. I feel thankful for today and for everything it held. Even the tears and pain, because they are indications that I love deeply. I am alive. I don't want to be breathing but numbly going through life. I am okay, I am going to make it. 

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4