one day, Heaven

Do you ever get tired of reading what I write?
I ask because sometimes I get tired of writing what seems to me to be the same thing...

over

and over

and over again.

Today the words "grief is not an event" won't stop running through my mind. I have chased them all day while I keep thinking about and praying for people I love who have lost or are in the process of losing someone they love:

• through unexpected death
• through painful, lingering, wasting diseases that one day claim the body
• through trauma that is too severe to recover from
• through things, including mental illness, that take the mind but leaves a functioning body behind. This one makes my heart hurt big and my prayers fervent as I stand on the outside looking in, catching just slivers of the pain and confusion that accompany life with someone who looks like the one you love, but actually is someone else entirely. How do you "do" that kind of grief?

I think it might be easier if grief was an event with an appointed time. Even if it was a recurring event, like school starting or a holiday, at least it would be scheduled and you could prepare for it. What I have learned over the last 3 years, 4 months, 1 week and 5 days (give or take) is that grief is more than I could have ever imagined. Its components are countless and it is something that is being woven into the fabric of my being. Trying to rip it out or pretend it isn't there is futile and only makes a bigger mess. 

When the dark threads of mourning are flashing their colors I try to accept them, but it is not always immediate and it is never easy. Sometimes I fight against guilt. Sometimes I get frustrated over feeling sad and tired and weary. Sometimes I want to quit caring. Sometimes I battle anger and bitterness. Always I end up seeking to find rest and comfort in the arms of Jesus. In His presence I call to mind the truths that there are bright colors to be found in grief as I hold on to hope and peace and joy. Strength to keep caring comes from knowing I am loved by God. I hang on to the promise that for those who follow Jesus once we take our last breath on earth we are more alive than we have ever been. One day, heaven.