wrestling anger

today I did some big time wrestling with anger
and this was after singing praise songs and listening to a sermon 
while still in the church building

I didn't even realize it had been hiding and growing in my heart
one wrong word was all it took to fan it into flame 
well one word pronounced incorrectly 
and I was wanting to sucker punch the speaker
the conversation that followed only fed the fury

I walked away when the conversation was over
I hadn't said or done anything to apologize for
as a matter of fact I am not sure I said much of anything
at least not verbally, 
I am sure God had His hand over my mouth
but my thoughts? 
well they are a different story

I came home
parked the car in my driveway
walked to KCU for lunch
walked a couple of miles after lunch
because the anger was still churning

"how dare ----------"
"I can't believe they---------"
"they had no right to--------"

I replayed the conversation, justifying my internal reaction
I prayed earnestly
"Lord, if I need to vent, provide someone"
He did not
so I kept walking and stewing

the One who loves me
the One who is always faithful
was quiet 
and waited patiently
until I prayed
"Lord, show me, please, show me where this is coming from"
and He gently but firmly opened my eyes

frustrations ignored
hurts tucked away to be pulled out and scabs picked
unspoken expectations left unmet
perceived slights permitted to grow
unforgiveness nurtured 
and a number of other things I had tucked away in my heart
rather than laying them out before Him to be healed
that's where the roots for the anger came from
that is the crap that I hid 
and it served as rich manure in my heart for ugliness to thrive on

a few clarifying thoughts came to me after my time of repentance

• peace is sometimes a hard fought battle
• when you love someone, and they die, that love doesn't stop, it keeps on living, but since the recipient is no longer around to receive it, sometimes the need? desire? wish that it could be expressed is overwhelmingly frustrating
• I am angry at death. I hate it.
• I have to be more intentional about asking God daily to search and know my heart, and pay attention to the things He reveals that need to be removed or anger will once again begin taking root and an innocent could suffer.