our strangely different beach vacation

this has been a week 
full of different experiences that have familiar undertones
full of familiar experiences that have been strangely different

watching the grandkids, every day,
play on the beach dressed in snow gear
then put on bathing suits to swim in the heated pool or sit in the hot tub 

walking the beach in winter coats
looking for shells, or not
praying regardless

observing the ocean
living the rhythm of the beach
talking to and listening to myself, to God, to someone walking with me

wondering what the future holds
wrestling to surrender fears, the same ones, over and over and over
feeling weak and dumb to be battling anxiety yet again

frustration

trepidation

unsettled

seeing:

• dolphins
• different sea life
• fewer shells
• more colors in the ocean
• my family as it interacts, knowing I am blessed

hearing:

• the familiar life sounds that come with a full house
• laughter and giggles, dreams, struggles, pain shared, plans made
• sensing whispers from God, but not able to make out the words
• silence, getting frustrated-I can ALWAYS hear Him here
• crashing thoughts warring for an audience

this week, for the first time in a long time,

chaotic, unreasonable, unfounded fears have filled my thoughts

interrupting already restless sleep, 

waking me each morning, pushing their way into my days

taunting my faith and peace of mind,

I have been faced with a choice, 

"Will I live by what I know to be true, or by what I am feeling?"

it has been a  battle

this warrior is weary

in more ways than one

but calling to mind God's past faithfulness

fuels my trust in His ability and willingness to remain faithful

knowing I am held up in prayer by family and friends

encourages me to focus on the still, small voice of my Creator

so I can continue to walk in the present,

sometimes with slow, wobbling steps, but still walking

and face the future with trembling but sure confidence