distractions and solutions

I realized today that my time with Miss Rita 
was the most different, tear free week I have had since Bill died.
It was a welcome distraction from
but not a solution for 
my grief.

I am intentional about living each day as it comes.
I never wake up thinking "I am glad it isn't Friday"
or
"Only x more days until 'THAT' day of the week"
nor do I awake with the thought "oh no, it is Friday."

I have found that my subconscious has other ideas.

This week I decided to try something new to counteract that subterfuge.

Yesterday I got up, did my back and knee exercises,
had my quiet time with the Lord,
ate breakfast,
walked two miles,
came home and had a cup of coffee while I enjoyed the porch swing,
wrote my blog,
went and cleaned the church,
came home had lunch and another cup of coffee,
sat on the porch swing,
After Kourtney mowed I raked the lawn 
and swept the driveway, sidewalks and porch.
I was so sore last night my back and arms felt bruised.
I was convinced I would sleep like a log.

I was wrong.
Working myself to the bone kept me busy, 
but it did nothing to stop the tears and sadness.

Distractions are not solutions.

This morning I completed my morning routine and went and picked up 1/2 ton of sand
to begin work on a project I have wanted to do for several years.
Stone around the fire pit.



Let me tell you, 
1/2 a ton of sand is a lot of sand to shovel into a wagon and move.


After placing the stones
I filled the sandbox.





There is still about 1/4 of the sand in the truck bed because I don't have anywhere else to put it!


That too kept me busy,
but sadness hangs over my head like a black cloud.
I cannot work the grief away. 

Distractions are not solutions.

Another layer of shock is wearing off.
Reality is not what I envisioned it would be at this point in my life.

Am I trying to rush my grieving?

Am I trying to define what it should and should not look like each day?

I know grief is something that cannot be hurried 
nor controlled
but sometimes I forget.

Today I am reminding myself 
grief is fickle,
grief is hard work,
grief is unpredictable,
grief has it's own timetable.
It is okay to feel sad.
It is okay to cry when I need to.
It is okay if I go a day or more without crying.
It is okay to laugh when the opportunity presents itself.

Distractions are not wrong,
distractions can be helpful,
but distractions are not solutions.

I have fallen into a trap of thinking
It is Spring-
I should be happy.
I should be full of sunshine thoughts and feelings.
I was not remembering that dark and rainy days are part of spring.

I will continue to learn how to embrace my grief 
as I have learned to embrace my other scars,
because it is part of me.
I am convinced God will use it as He has used other parts of my life 
that I wish weren't part of my story of faith.

"The joy of the Lord is my strength"
And joy is quite different from happiness.
I will take joy over happiness any day of the week.
Happiness is a distraction.
Joy is a solution.