Stuck in Grief?

"She lost the love of 67 years 2 years ago and is wondering why her faith is so small that she can't just get over it so sweet. It seems everyone around her has just gone on and she is stuck. "

That is part of a Facebook message I received from a friend this week about what her grandmother was feeling. 
My first thought was
"Wow, 67 years. 
SIXTY SEVEN YEARS!
I thought I had it hard after sharing 38 years with Bill. 
It would be much harder if we'd had 67 years together.
I cannot imagine that kind of loss and pain."

Today I have thought of three widows I know who have become part of this unasked for sisterhood since I joined. 
A new friend who lost her husband after 48 years. Next year they would have celebrated their 50th anniversary. 
A long time friend who lost her husband on Bill's birthday, just 5 weeks before Bill died.
A young friend who had only a few years with her husband. 

If you have a loving, healthy relationship, I don't think it matters if your spouse has been battling ill health for years, if it is an accident that takes them immediately, or if it is an accident they don't recover from that tears them out of your life. No matter how long you have, it is never long enough. 

There is never a "good" or "easy" time to lose someone you love.

I have a friend who lost his leg in a construction accident years ago. Seeing what he went through at that time has gone through my head often since I lost my husband. An analogy that has flitted through my mind in the past lingers today. 
I invite you to think about it with me. 
Maybe it will help you understand a little better what the loss of a loved spouse can be like. 
(I point out loved because I know there are marriages that are not loving and healthy and I cannot address what loss in that kind of a relationship might be like.)

Imagine that you or a friend were in a horrible accident and lost half of your body. Or even just the use of half of your body. Obviously it would affect you physically. 
It would also affect the unseen parts of you:
mentally
emotionally 
spiritually 

Imagine the pain.
             the shock.
             the disbelief.
             the confusion.
             some of the questions and thoughts that might follow.

                   "why me?"
                   "why now?"
                   "is this real?"
                   "what do I do now?"
                   "will I survive?"
                   "will I ever feel whole again?"
                   "am I going to recover from this?"
                   "this is not how it is supposed to be"
                   "there was so much more I wanted to do"
                   "what do I do with my plans and dreams?"
                   "this has to be just a nightmare"
                   "how can this be part of God's plan?"
                   "my whole life has changed"
                   "what do I do now?"
                   "I can never be who I was before this happened"

Once you figured out that you are going to live,
how long do you think it would take to learn how
to simply stand, 
to balance, 
to take a step,
to take care of yourself, 
to "do stuff" again.

Would it be reasonable to acknowledge: 

• that nothing will ever be the same.
• that you are going to have to figure out how to do things differently.
• that there will be times you need help and won't know who to ask
• or that you may be afraid to ask for help because you don't want to be a bother
• or you may get so tired of needing help that you would rather leave something undone than to ask one more person to do one more thing for you
• or that you might become angry because you need help
• that there will be times you will wish things were the way they used to be
• you may want to throw a tantrum because this isn't fair
• that there will be times you are sad 
• that learning this different life is hard
• that each step forward, no matter how small, is a victory
• that some days will be harder than others
• that there is a lot to grieve
• that your old life is gone forever-and you don't have to like it, but healing begins with acknowledging that truth and by not trying to hold onto the past
• that some days getting out of bed is a victory
• that tears are acceptable
• that no one can do this for you
• that walking by faith, when nothing makes sense, is a lot of hard work
• that while you may not be able to control the thoughts that pop into your head, you can take control of them and choose which ones you will allow to dwell there
• that you will never "get over it". How can you when you have lost so much? 
• while you will never "get over it", it is possible to learn to live with your loss. It isn't easy, but it is doable

Since "two become one flesh" when we marry 
is it out of order to imagine that when one dies
the one left would naturally feel like half of them is gone.

67 years is a lot of life together.
He has been gone only 2 years.
2 years is only moments in that kind of math.

She is holding onto her faith. 
I can't imagine it is a small faith.
I think it is probably a very solid faith.

Others have "gone on". 
They did not spend 67 years with him as their "other half".
It makes a difference.

I don't think she is stuck at all.
I think she is still in the recovery process of learning to live a life that has been thrown off balance. It takes time.