more firsts without him
Before I started this trip Thursday morning my IBS kicked in. "Lovely", I thought. Then immediately I was thankful it had shown itself before I got on my way. I also was thankful I remembered to print directions before I left because cell service isn't at Marie's.
I prayed in the driveway before I started the car. It was a beautiful day to travel. I focused on enjoying the blue sky, fall colors and bright sunshine. An hour and a half into my four hour drive the road was closed due to an accident. The detour took 30 minutes. At the end it looked like a second detour had been set up for a semi straddling the road, it's nose in a ditch.
Was God's protective hand in the the things that caused me to leave home 40 minutes later than I anticipated? I don't know for sure, but I thanked Him that I was not involved.
Driving the few minutes down Township Road 5 to Marie's was not as hard as I anticipated. The closer I got, the more it became clear in my mind that Marie and Thom are my friends.
Yes, they loved Bill and they love my kids, but I have a deeper relationship with them. I used to come by myself twice a year to visit for a week. Knowing they were at the end of my drive led to a "coming home" feeling. My mind was filled with memories I have made with them, not with the expected flashback to the last time I was here, a surprise Marie, Bill and the kids planned.
Being enveloped in her hug, and returning her hug, caused both of us to shed good tears. We have both experienced major life changes in the last three years. Spending the evening sharing was just what I needed before heading to Akron.
Every time I come here I visit Save and Serve, a second hand store and the Ashery, an Amish owned store I get spices and some hard to find things from. These two stops were part of my Friday morning plan. I dallied at the first stop, wandering for two hours. I was scared. Anxious. Teary. Excited to see both of my moms but dreading the emotional turmoil that was bound to be part of the visits. I added a stop at the law office to get a coupon printed and to get prayer support. Chris, Thom and Marie's oldest son, greeted me, wrapped me in a bear hug, sat me down, talked with me and held my hands as he prayed with me. I left still emotional shaky, but heart strengthened.
I spent an hour or so at the Ashery. They have expanded. I didn't want to miss anything. I was also still stalling. When there was nothing else to look at, I paid for my items, put them in my trunk and asked Siri for directions. As I drove I prayed. I remembered Chris' prayer.
Siri took me on a route with a few new roads. Kind of like my life. I know where I have been. I know my final destination. But some of this stuff in between is totally unfamiliar which makes it uncomfortable and hard to move forward sometimes.
I recognized landmarks, began to feel more confident, and realized my exit was where the Hospice Care Center is. The tears began with the memory of October days spent with my dad at that facility.
As I continued on the route Siri had mapped out, tears fell more freely as I recognized I was in an area I had only been in with Bill or on my way to see him. As I got to the bottom of the hill just minutes from Bill's moms house I pulled into a parking lot and texted a few of my prayer warriors; "This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I will be with Bill's mom in a few minutes. Please pray." And they did. And our visit was wonderful. We cried. We laughed. We remembered the past. We talked about the present. We discussed future plans. I assured her it would not be this long between visits again. How had almost 14 months passed already? I don't think I was ready before now, but it cannot be that long again. I am not yet in a place where I could stay the night with her. She understood. She prayed for me before I left to go see my mom. I am blessed by my mother-in-law.
My mom has a new place since the last time I visited. Siri got me there safely. My oldest brother was there and not long after I arrived my baby brother and his wife came. We had a good, quick visit. Marie's is almost two hours away.
I kept Siri busy yesterday. She never failed me. I arrived everywhere I was supposed to be by following her leading. On the way home last night she directed me to make a turn onto another road I am not familiar with. By this time it was dark, after 9. I threw a little tantrum in my head. I thought "I am done doing new things today. I am tired. I don't wanna go there. It is late. I don't care if it takes me longer. I want to be comfortable. I am definitely done being an adult." So I went the way I knew. I stopped at McDonald's and bought a kids hamburger happy meal for a 10 PM supper. Why? Partly because I was just a little hungry, but also because I could get go-gurt as my side and it would be served in a Minions bucket.
My plan for today was a fun day spent "playing", starting with a visit to the second hand store. I locked my keys in the car. For the first time ever. So much for a stress free day. I panicked for a minute because I did not have Bill to call. I tried to call the farm. No answer. I tried to call Marie. No answer. Should I walk to Chris and Jaimie's? That would work if it wasn't raining. And if I knew which house at the top of the hill was theirs. I tried to call Thom. Spotty service, connection ended. What to do? I called again. Another disconnect. BUT I figured that since I had called twice, Thom, being the rational man he is, would know I needed to talk to him and he would call from the house farm. Which he did. He calmly gave me the Police Department's phone number. Which I promptly forgot after I hung up the phone. There was no phone book at the front desk. Thankfully the woman I asked thought to use google. I wrote it down on the back of my hand, called and soon a kind policeman came to unlock my car.
A few minutes into the job he said "you are the proud owner of a Malibu with an anti-theft bar." I told him I didn't know whether to be thankful or to cry. He told me he would still be able to get me into my car, he just needed to use a different tool. He was confident, and it wasn't until after he finally got my car unlocked that he told me he had doubts he was going to be successful. I told him he was an answer to prayer. I went into the store, wandered, found a few more treasures and left. On the way back to Marie's I stopped and got a lemonade and yogurt parfait for a snack. I spent a stress relieving afternoon and evening around the fire pit enjoying the sights and smells of fall. I enjoyed the beauty of seeing Chris and Jaime's little girls romping with Pop-Pop, their great grandfather. We roasted hot dogs and made s'mores for dinner.
So much has been going on openly and behind the scenes this past few days. Some of it I have shared, some is private, hidden in my heart. So many first times back, with the last time being with Bill by my side. So many memories relived, new memories made. Grieving. Heart breaking, heart healing. Bittersweet.
Life.
Some moments, some days, drag by.
But for some reason it seems like the months and years fly.
I want to fully embrace life and all that goes with it.
I don't want to allow fear or pain or the fear of pain to cheat me.
The only way I know to prevent that from happening
is to take things one choice, one prayer, one step at a time.
I prayed in the driveway before I started the car. It was a beautiful day to travel. I focused on enjoying the blue sky, fall colors and bright sunshine. An hour and a half into my four hour drive the road was closed due to an accident. The detour took 30 minutes. At the end it looked like a second detour had been set up for a semi straddling the road, it's nose in a ditch.
Was God's protective hand in the the things that caused me to leave home 40 minutes later than I anticipated? I don't know for sure, but I thanked Him that I was not involved.
Driving the few minutes down Township Road 5 to Marie's was not as hard as I anticipated. The closer I got, the more it became clear in my mind that Marie and Thom are my friends.
Yes, they loved Bill and they love my kids, but I have a deeper relationship with them. I used to come by myself twice a year to visit for a week. Knowing they were at the end of my drive led to a "coming home" feeling. My mind was filled with memories I have made with them, not with the expected flashback to the last time I was here, a surprise Marie, Bill and the kids planned.
Being enveloped in her hug, and returning her hug, caused both of us to shed good tears. We have both experienced major life changes in the last three years. Spending the evening sharing was just what I needed before heading to Akron.
Every time I come here I visit Save and Serve, a second hand store and the Ashery, an Amish owned store I get spices and some hard to find things from. These two stops were part of my Friday morning plan. I dallied at the first stop, wandering for two hours. I was scared. Anxious. Teary. Excited to see both of my moms but dreading the emotional turmoil that was bound to be part of the visits. I added a stop at the law office to get a coupon printed and to get prayer support. Chris, Thom and Marie's oldest son, greeted me, wrapped me in a bear hug, sat me down, talked with me and held my hands as he prayed with me. I left still emotional shaky, but heart strengthened.
I spent an hour or so at the Ashery. They have expanded. I didn't want to miss anything. I was also still stalling. When there was nothing else to look at, I paid for my items, put them in my trunk and asked Siri for directions. As I drove I prayed. I remembered Chris' prayer.
Siri took me on a route with a few new roads. Kind of like my life. I know where I have been. I know my final destination. But some of this stuff in between is totally unfamiliar which makes it uncomfortable and hard to move forward sometimes.
I recognized landmarks, began to feel more confident, and realized my exit was where the Hospice Care Center is. The tears began with the memory of October days spent with my dad at that facility.
As I continued on the route Siri had mapped out, tears fell more freely as I recognized I was in an area I had only been in with Bill or on my way to see him. As I got to the bottom of the hill just minutes from Bill's moms house I pulled into a parking lot and texted a few of my prayer warriors; "This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I will be with Bill's mom in a few minutes. Please pray." And they did. And our visit was wonderful. We cried. We laughed. We remembered the past. We talked about the present. We discussed future plans. I assured her it would not be this long between visits again. How had almost 14 months passed already? I don't think I was ready before now, but it cannot be that long again. I am not yet in a place where I could stay the night with her. She understood. She prayed for me before I left to go see my mom. I am blessed by my mother-in-law.
My mom has a new place since the last time I visited. Siri got me there safely. My oldest brother was there and not long after I arrived my baby brother and his wife came. We had a good, quick visit. Marie's is almost two hours away.
I kept Siri busy yesterday. She never failed me. I arrived everywhere I was supposed to be by following her leading. On the way home last night she directed me to make a turn onto another road I am not familiar with. By this time it was dark, after 9. I threw a little tantrum in my head. I thought "I am done doing new things today. I am tired. I don't wanna go there. It is late. I don't care if it takes me longer. I want to be comfortable. I am definitely done being an adult." So I went the way I knew. I stopped at McDonald's and bought a kids hamburger happy meal for a 10 PM supper. Why? Partly because I was just a little hungry, but also because I could get go-gurt as my side and it would be served in a Minions bucket.
My plan for today was a fun day spent "playing", starting with a visit to the second hand store. I locked my keys in the car. For the first time ever. So much for a stress free day. I panicked for a minute because I did not have Bill to call. I tried to call the farm. No answer. I tried to call Marie. No answer. Should I walk to Chris and Jaimie's? That would work if it wasn't raining. And if I knew which house at the top of the hill was theirs. I tried to call Thom. Spotty service, connection ended. What to do? I called again. Another disconnect. BUT I figured that since I had called twice, Thom, being the rational man he is, would know I needed to talk to him and he would call from the house farm. Which he did. He calmly gave me the Police Department's phone number. Which I promptly forgot after I hung up the phone. There was no phone book at the front desk. Thankfully the woman I asked thought to use google. I wrote it down on the back of my hand, called and soon a kind policeman came to unlock my car.
A few minutes into the job he said "you are the proud owner of a Malibu with an anti-theft bar." I told him I didn't know whether to be thankful or to cry. He told me he would still be able to get me into my car, he just needed to use a different tool. He was confident, and it wasn't until after he finally got my car unlocked that he told me he had doubts he was going to be successful. I told him he was an answer to prayer. I went into the store, wandered, found a few more treasures and left. On the way back to Marie's I stopped and got a lemonade and yogurt parfait for a snack. I spent a stress relieving afternoon and evening around the fire pit enjoying the sights and smells of fall. I enjoyed the beauty of seeing Chris and Jaime's little girls romping with Pop-Pop, their great grandfather. We roasted hot dogs and made s'mores for dinner.
So much has been going on openly and behind the scenes this past few days. Some of it I have shared, some is private, hidden in my heart. So many first times back, with the last time being with Bill by my side. So many memories relived, new memories made. Grieving. Heart breaking, heart healing. Bittersweet.
Life.
Some moments, some days, drag by.
But for some reason it seems like the months and years fly.
I want to fully embrace life and all that goes with it.
I don't want to allow fear or pain or the fear of pain to cheat me.
The only way I know to prevent that from happening
is to take things one choice, one prayer, one step at a time.
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