tumbling hurts

tumbled: to fall helplessly down, end over end, 
as by losing one's footing, support, or equilibrium; 

It happened again Friday night.
I was in the family room and found myself glancing up,
fully thinking I would see Bill standing there.
Even though I know he is never going to be "here" again,
my heart still longs and expects to see him.
I find that it sometimes races with anticipation and excitement,
only to tumble when the moment of illusion passes.

Crashing, punishing waves of pain
confusion
disappointment
deel sadness
ugly tears
moaning cries
washed over me twice and threatened again

expectations
dreams
plans
halted
crushed
changed
crumbled

yet they demand to be 
acknowledged
mourned
released
rethought
remembered
restructured

In the midst of these raging storms I hold on tight to Jesus-
for it is only in Him that I stand upright again and find
joy 
hope
peace 
comfort
strength to live a life worth living

Grief is unpredictable, painful, exhausting, life changing.

I thank God I do not face it alone.

A mental picture of me as a rock, God as a tumbler came to mind-

"A rock tumbler is a device used ...to shape and polish rocks ...professionals such as jewelers use a tumbler to shape and prepare rocks in preparation for use in finished pieces..."(from wisegeek.com)

"Lord, shape and prepare me for use..."